She shot me a glance, and her eyebrows lifted. “What is it? My God, Katie, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.” She paused the TV, turned in her seat to face me.
I took a breath. “He knew who I was, didn’t he? The sperm donor. He knew we were here, that I was here. He knew, right?” I smiled, waiting for her laughter, her look of surprise.
But it didn’t come. She looked like she’d seen a ghost, too.
“What did he say?” Her eyes were so wide. “What did he tell you?”
I shook my head. “Nothing. He didn’t… he never told me anything…” I fiddled with the hem of my skirt. “He did know, right? He knew about me?”
She was quiet.
“Mum, tell me.” I fought the panic. “Did he know about me? He did, didn’t he?”
“It’ll change everything.” Her voice sounded pained and I felt it. She sighed. “We said we wouldn’t dwell on the past… we agreed…”
Her eyes welled up, and I felt horrible. I felt terrible. Guilty and nasty and ungrateful.
“Just tell me,” I said. “Please, Mum, just tell me.”
She shook her head. “He didn’t… I didn’t…”
“You didn’t what?”
She breathed slowly, deeply, closed her eyes. “I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him.”
My mouth turned dry. “About me? You couldn’t tell him about me? Why not? Why couldn’t you?” My thoughts tumbled, rolling and lurching through my brain. “You mean he didn’t know? He really didn’t know I existed? Didn’t know who I was? Didn’t know anything? Mum, I don’t understand, I don’t…” I swallowed my panic. “Why?”
“Katie, I…”
“Why?” I repeated. “Why couldn’t you tell him?”
She took a moment. “Katie, please try and understand. I was nineteen years old. I was just a kid. I was out of a job, without anyone, without him. I was hurt, and I was scared. That’s why I didn’t tell him.”
The horror. It knocked me right in the gut. “You lied? To me? You lied about me? You lied to him?”
“I didn’t lie to you, Katie…” She looked at me, looked into me. “I just hid the truth. You were young. It didn’t seem right. It never seemed right to tell you.”
“But I knew… that he fired you… I knew he left you…”
She shrugged. “You picked bits up, eavesdropping, bits of conversations. Telephone calls with friends when I thought you were playing. You were like a sponge, sweetheart, taking everything in, but I never told you. I never lied to you, but I never told you, not about any of it. And you stopped asking, when you got a little bit older, you stopped asking.”
“But you lied to him! You lied to him about me!”
“Because I was scared!” she said. “I was so scared!”
I held up my hands, astounded. The shock ricocheting around my brain. “Scared of what? What were you scared of?”
“Scared of him.” She cleared her throat. “Not of him, not like that. Scared of what he could do.”
“What could he do?” My voice sounded so pathetic, so small. “What could he possibly have done?”
“He’s David Faverley! He had money, connections, lawyers. He had a big house and a couple of kids of his own, he had a family!” She took a breath. “I was scared he’d take you away from me. Scared he’d fight me for you. Scared he’d win.”
“How could he win?! You’re my mother! I belonged with you! Anyone would’ve seen that, Mum!”
“Christ, Katie, I know that now!” she said. “But back then, when I was struggling to sort my shit out, trying to prepare for a baby to come into a life that wasn’t prepared for one, back then it didn’t seem nearly so obvious.” She looked at her hands. “Your father was a great man, a powerful man. He’d already spat me out of his life and sent me reeling, he’d already taken everything from me. I couldn’t have him take you, too. And I couldn’t trust him, not after how he treated me. What if he did the same to you? What if he hurt you like he hurt me? I couldn’t, Katie… I just couldn’t…”
“So he didn’t know? He didn’t even know I was born? You didn’t tell him I existed?!”
She shook her head. “He knew I was pregnant. He found that out on his own.” She brushed her tears away, and my stomach pained again. “He found me, early on, before I was even showing. He demanded to know if it was true, what my plans were, and