think you want to spend your life with has decided to terminate two of your kids without you knowing. Broke his fucking heart.”
I felt cold. Cold and sad. My stomach ached for him. “That’s horrible.”
“Yeah, it is. It really is. They split up over it, she walked away without really breaking a sweat. She never loved him, not really. I think she loved the idea of him, which is crazy to me, really fucking crazy, he’s everything to me.” He took a breath. “For a while we were just mates. A couple of beers at the weekend. Then a couple of beers in the week. We’d talk, a lot. Laugh a lot. We just fit together. We found other women when he was up to it, just casually.” He smiled a big smile. “I knew I loved him, even back then. I thought he was amazing. It took him a little longer. I guess it was the family thing. Or maybe he just wasn’t that into me.” He laughed a little. “I guess I wormed my way under his skin. Eventually.”
I smiled. “Did you always know you were bi?”
He nodded. “My family were awesome, taught us kids that love is love and that’s all that matters. It didn’t seem like a big deal to me, I just wanted who I wanted. They love Carl.” His eyes twinkled and it gave me butterflies. “They’d love you, too.”
I didn’t know what to say about that, so I said nothing. “Was Carl always bi, too?”
“I think so, maybe. For me my sexuality was no biggie, I just liked what I liked, loved who I loved. For Carl I think it was more of a take comfort where you can kinda thing, that’s how it started. I guess he found some solace in some of the other kids when he was headed off the rails, a bit of physical closeness through dark nights. An outlet for the urges, I dunno. He says he was grateful for any kind of love no matter where it came from, and that stuck, although now I think it comes from a much healthier place inside. For him it doesn’t really matter whether that love is from a guy or a girl, or both. He doesn’t always say it back, the magic little love phrase — a hang up from Mel, I guess — but he shows it, he feels it. Carl’s all about people, the people who care about him, people who want him. I wanted him. I really wanted him.”
I gave him a nudge. Squeezed his elbow. “And he wanted you. He loves you, that’s obvious.”
“I fucking love that guy. I love him so fucking much.” He sighed. “But we always wanted more. We wanted a family, right from early on, especially Carl. We figured we could have a polyamorous relationship, find someone on our wavelength, only it wasn’t so simple.” He paused. “Sex, yeah, that was simple. Money in exchange for sex, even easier, on the face of it. But something genuine? That evaded us.”
I didn’t speak, just listened.
“It’s hard for people, I guess. Threesomes are fun, hanging out as a threesome is fun, but to settle down? Do the whole poly thing long-term, with a kid, with a family, with funny looks from the other mums at the school playground?” He shook his head. “Sends people running. We’re like Saturday afternoon cocktails, me and Carl. Easy enough to get people to the bar for the buy-one-get-one-free, but they invariably guzzle enough to have a good time, then head off home for the night.”
“That isn’t how I see it,” I said. “Not now, I promise.”
“I hope not,” he said. “I really fucking hope not, because we’re in pretty deep with you, Katie. We think you’re amazing.”
I felt the blush. “Thanks.”
“I mean it. We think the world of you. Always will, no matter how things pan out.” He scratched at his beard. “Carl’s turning forty this year, and he’s feeling it. He’s worried it’s never gonna happen for him, for us, and that even if it does he’ll be too old to enjoy all the things he’s spent his life dreaming about. Too old to enjoy his grandkids, knocking on retirement’s door before his kid’s even flown the nest. It makes him… demanding.”
“How could it not? If he wants something that bad…” I thought of the yard, the disappointment of my dream slipping away from me. It hurt like a motherfucker, and I was just twenty-two, hardly