I had to fend for myself after that. I didn’t want to be put in a home.”
My heart thuds hard in my chest, pain for him making my stomach twist. That’s awful. Sixteen is way too young for something like that—not that there’s ever a good time.
I look up at him, searching his face. “You’ve been on your own this whole time? But you’re so…”
“Cheerful?” Cam shoots me a wry grin. “Well, what else was I supposed to do? I had to get people to like me, to be on my side, so they’d help me out. And so long as I’m laughing… I’m not thinking about the shitty stuff. Best kind of self-medication, and it doesn’t cost a fortune. Unlike heroin.”
I snort. “That’s an awful joke.”
“Yeah, not one of my best. But you know what I mean.”
“I do.” I really, really do. “I wish I was as good at that as you are. I’ve tried to stay upbeat for Maddy’s sake, but sometimes, especially when we were younger, I just got so mad. At my dad for leaving—I know my mom getting cancer wasn’t his fault, but it felt like it was. And I was mad at the universe for letting it happen. At the doctors who couldn’t save her. Even at my mom, just a little, for dying. How could she do that to us? How could she leave her kids like that? It doesn’t make any sense, but it was just easier to feel angry than to feel sad.”
Cam nods. “I get it. We all cope in different ways. Sometimes…” He looks out over the path, sunlight shining on his thick blond hair. “Sometimes I just want to scream, you know? It’s been years, and I’m okay with it. Mostly. No, not okay—more like used to it. And then something totally innocent triggers a memory of them, and I get angry all over again because it’s just so fucking unfair.”
“Yes!”
The word bursts out of me. It’s such a relief to have someone else who understands, who knows what it’s like. It’s hard to talk about this stuff with people who’ve generally had it pretty easy in life. They don’t understand, and honestly, a lot of them would rather not hear about it. I never would’ve expected Cam to be someone I could relate to on this level, but at the same time, it makes so much sense.
I look into his sky-blue eyes, which shine with a mixture of sadness and happiness. “I’m sorry.”
He cocks his head, frowning. “What for?”
I stop walking, turning to face him. “I dunno. I feel like I underestimated you. You’re a great guy, and I knew that, but I guess I just took your jokes at face value. A lot of people take me at face value, and I hate it.” I feel nerves writhing in my stomach like snakes. I haven’t really talked about this with anyone before. Who would I have confided in, anyway? Ajax? The other bartenders at The Den? “People never really… I didn’t have many friends before now. I know I’m cranky, and I tend to push people away, so I just wanted to thank you. And Asher. You haven’t let me do that. You’ve been so kind and thoughtful. You’ve been my friends and helped me feel safe, and I… I just want to thank you.”
Good lord. What a lovely fucking pile of word vomit. I seriously suck at this.
“Of course.” Cam takes a small step toward me, smiling. “Elliot.”
“Whoa, using my real name, this did just get serious.” I laugh, although some rogue butterflies have gotten loose in my stomach and are making it flip-flop.
He chuckles. “I like how tough you are. That’s part of why I became friends with you. I mean, aside from thinking you’re funny and gorgeous.”
I can feel my face heating up. “Shut up.”
“Hey, I’m allowed to compliment you. We’re friends, and friends can think highly of each other.” He winks at me, one corner of his full lips tilting up. “I’m serious though. You might think you’re closed off, but you kind of wear your emotions on your sleeve. And I saw that you were like me. It drew me to you.”
It slowly dawns on me that we stopped walking quite a while ago. As we’ve talked, we’ve drifted nearer to each other, and now we’re standing incredibly close. But I don’t want to pull away. I should, I know that. Especially since I’m not sure about this whole relationship thing.