when they all got sprayed again, Barb couldn’t help but smile. “Guess we got our shower for the day!” she said to the woman, who joined her, laughing.
“We sure did!” The woman was tan with feathery gray hair, silver earrings, and a trim figure in a tank top and yoga pants. She leaned forward, beaming at the baby. “What do you think about that, Josh!”
The baby giggled again, and when Barb came alongside them, she could see that it was an adorable little boy with dark curls, big brown eyes, and a perfect smile.
The woman said to Barb, “I think he liked it! Isn’t he the cutest thing?”
“He sure is,” Barb answered, meaning it. The baby’s eyes were so bright they danced, and he looked directly at her and smiled. Barb smiled back. “Hi, honey!”
“He likes you!” the woman exclaimed, delighted.
“Aw, you’re an angel,” Barb said to the baby, whose eyes widened. He pumped his pudgy fists in excitement.
“Isn’t he something! My first grandchild, and I cannot tell you how wonderful it is! I could just eat him up! I have him two days a week and I love it! Do you have any grandchildren?”
“No,” Barb answered, and her heart sank. This was the first time anyone asked her if she had any grandchildren. It snapped something inside. She’d always wondered what Kyle’s children would have looked like. He’d been so handsome. She’d wondered if they’d have been as athletic, as smart, as kind, or if they’d have been shy like him. Now women her age were becoming grandmothers, a joy she’d never know.
And she’d just finished two decades of the question Do you have any children? She could never deny that Kyle had lived, so she always answered, I had a son, but he passed away. People would redden, go silent, or say with sympathy, Oh, I’m sorry; how did your child die? Barb would have to say the word she dreaded, Suicide. Which just about killed her, every time. Because people expected to hear cancer, a car accident, even drugs. Anything but suicide. For anything but that, they’d have sympathy. She worried they judged her, or worse, they judged Kyle.
“You’d better tell those kids of yours to get busy! You can’t wait forever! Being Grandma is the best.” The woman’s eyes lit up, a happy blue. “You know the way you love your child? Well, you love a grandchild even more!”
“I’m sure that’s right.” Barb plastered on a smile. God knows she’d seen enough bumper stickers. I MY GRANDCHILD. WORLD’S BEST GRANDMA. I’M SPENDING MY GRANDCHILDREN’S INHERITANCE. I LOVE MY GRANDDOG.
Barb lost focus a moment, wondering if grief went on and on, and if she would ever get over this heartache. She not only would never have a grandchild, she’d never have a granddog. Sharon always wanted her to get another dog, but Barb couldn’t. She had no love left to give. She was an empty vessel.
“You know why grandchildren are so great? I’ll tell you why, but it’s not a popular view. People say it’s because you can send them home at the end of the day, but that’s not how I feel at all.” The woman bubbled over with enthusiasm. “It’s because you can give all the love you have, with none of the worry about spoiling them. You’re supposed to spoil them! You know what I mean?”
“Yes, but I should go, take care.” Barb tried to keep smiling, but she couldn’t. She turned around, abandoned the cart, and left the market.
CHAPTER 61
Allie Garvey
Allie sat in her car outside Barton’s office. The events of the day were catching up with her, washing her with fatigue. It was all too much, processing David’s funeral, her conversation with Sasha and Julian, and now with the lawyer. She couldn’t decide what to do about Kyle’s mother, and it hardly seemed possible that it was only this morning that Larry had said he wanted a divorce. Somehow that was the least significant event of the day, which told Allie something. She’d kept her husband at a distance and now she’d lost him.
She looked through the windshield of the car, watching the traffic on Lancaster Avenue. Everybody was racing home from work, and it struck her that the last place she wanted to go back to was Philly and the house she used to share with Larry. She’d taken him for granted and trashed her marriage, and she didn’t need to see an empty house to remind her. And she realized