sounds happy. A loved one has come home. It would normally make me smile. A happy thought. This time it doesn’t lift my spirits.
Dan’s truck is gone and all I think about is the email. I want to be mad at him. He thinks we need time apart but he doesn’t know what I know. Time apart won’t help anything unless it’s forever. I can’t think about that. I’ve lost so much already.
I walk the two blocks to my Taurus. I’ve had plenty of opportunity to buy a personal vehicle but for some reason I stay with the Taurus. It’s like me: messed up but serviceable.
I sit in my car with the engine running but don’t go home. I’m thinking of waiting for everyone to clear out and then going back to The Tides. I’m a little hungry and there’s nothing at home to heat. Not even cereal. The milk expired a few days ago and is almost cottage cheese.
Everyone at the party had somewhere to go afterward. Somebody to go home to. Even Ronnie had Marley, who is crazy about her. I have my gun and my tapes. I’ve had two boyfriends now. Both have abandoned me. My own brother hates me. I like to think I’m a superhero. Like Superman hiding behind Clark Kent’s fumbling persona. Unable to form attachments because the bad guys would use it as a weakness. Come after my friends if I had any. That’s what happened to Monique. She was caught in my black cloud where monsters are real.
“Stop.” I look startled. I don’t realize I said that out loud. I’ve had more to drink than I should have. That’s why I’m so morose. My life doesn’t suck. Not really.
I put the Taurus in gear and the transmission hesitates, then clunks as the gears mesh. That makes me smile. Maybe I’ve got some miles left on me too.
I drive by Dan’s shop. No lights are on inside. No truck. I step on the gas and head home.
Fifty-Two
I wake up with a bad taste in my mouth and my throat is burning. I didn’t sleep well. I don’t remember the dreams but they were unsettling. I blame the burn in my throat on the jalapeño poppers and the bad dreams on the Scotch.
My gun is on the nightstand. I’ve kicked the sheet off the end of the bed. I have to pee.
I finish my morning business and as I’m getting dressed I remember part of a dream. In it, Dan was with Hayden. They both looked serious and I had a feeling they were going to do an intervention with me. In the dream, they said I was a liar and they were going to make me tell the truth. I was angry at being called a liar even though I knew it was true. That memory brings back the anger and anxiety of being trapped between a guy I really like and a brother I love and telling the truth to either of them.
It’s early but I drive by Dan’s shop downtown. It’s out of my way and chances are he won’t be in yet, but I have to see that he’s okay.
The shop isn’t open yet. A couple of vehicles are parked along the street. The owners are probably in the coffee shop that opened just around the corner. It’s called Dilly Dally. Stupid name, but I heard the coffee’s good. I slow down and think maybe Dan will come in for coffee. I stop and get a half dozen coffees. The owner looks like Elmer Fudd in the Bugs Bunny cartoons. He’s staring at my chest while he talks. That should get me coffee for free, but I don’t say anything. Staring at my less-than-ample breasts may be the best thing that happens to him today.
Dan doesn’t come in. I stall and ask for creamer, sugar and napkins. Dan still hasn’t come in by the time I get all that and pay. The creep is still looking at my chest while I get my change. I don’t leave a tip. He’s gotten all he’s going to get from me this morning.
I drive by Dan’s one more time. He said he hired a girl but there’s no sign of activity. I’m not threatened, just curious. I drove by the shop before I went to The Tides last night and he wasn’t at work. I’m pretty sure it was his truck I saw driving by The Tides last night. I wonder where he