think about him, but every now and then I felt a twinge of sadness. I didn't want any regrets with me and Brad, no matter where the relationship took us.
"You're very quiet." He tenderly brushed the hair from my forehead as he looked down at me.
"We need to go slow," I said. I'd told him about Brian and Roger, and just about everything else in my life there was to tell. He'd already known the basic facts, the outline of my emotional history, but I'd filled in the details when we were in the canoe. I'd leaned against him and gazed out over the beautiful green water of Lake Washington as we drifted. Brad had his arms around me. I found it easier to talk about my lost loves when I wasn't facing him.
In turn, Brad described his marriage, and said he felt he'd failed Janice, his ex-wife. That was something I couldn't understand, although I understood the impulse to assume blame. It's part of the same impulse that makes us believe we're responsible for everything that happens in a relationship or a family. But I've learned we can't control other people's feelings....
"What about dinner Friday night?" he asked now. He kissed me before I could respond.
The phone rang and I sighed with annoyance. "Hold that thought," I whispered, easing myself out of his arms.
I hurried to the phone and grabbed it just before the answering machine kicked in. "A Good Yarn," I said, hoping my voice didn't betray what I'd been doing a moment or so earlier.
"Lydia, this is Peggy from Dr. Wilson's office."
"Oh, hi, Peggy," I said, glad to have finally heard from her. "I was wondering when you'd contact me."
"I meant to call on Friday."
"That's fine. I was busy all day."
She hesitated and perhaps I should've caught it then, but I didn't.
"I should have phoned," Peggy said.
By now I'd detected reluctance in her voice.
"Bad news?" If it was, I didn't want her to delay it a second longer. She'd given me the weekend as a gift and instinctively I realized that without her having to put it into words.
"I tried to call yesterday," she murmured, "but then I remembered your shop's closed on Mondays, isn't it?"
"You didn't leave a message." The reason was obvious now. The news she had to give me couldn't be left on an answering machine.
"No," she said, her voice uneasy.
"What is it?" I asked, steeling myself for the worst.
"Oh, Lydia, I'm so sorry. Dr. Wilson looked over your bloodwork and he's scheduled a series of X-rays for you. He'd also like to see you in his office at your earliest convenience."
"All right." It went without saying that the cancer was back. Another tumor was forming in my brain even as Peggy spoke. It was growing back and nothing would stop it this time, no surgery, no drugs, nothing. Had I been alone, I would have insisted Peggy tell me the worst of it then and there. But I couldn't do that with Brad in hearing distance.
"Can I make you an appointment with the radiologist for tomorrow morning at eight?"
"Fine," I mumbled.
"Dr. Wilson will want you to bring the X-rays for an appointment here at nine."
"Okay." I was numb. I'd been given this reprieve of six years and I felt cheated not to have more. I wanted so many more.
Twice now, my father had been my strength, but this time he was gone and I was alone. Mom was incapable and Margaret would be furious when she heard this. I couldn't help believing that my sister would find some way to blame me for the return of my tumor. She'd say my need for sympathy had encouraged its growth. I almost groaned as I imagined her reaction.
"Bad news?" Brad asked when I replaced the receiver.
I hadn't noticed he was no longer in the back room. The coffee had obviously finished brewing because he held a mug in his hand.
"No," I lied. "But unfortunately I won't be able to make dinner on Friday."
"Everything's all right, isn't it?"
"Of course." How I managed to smile I'll never know, but I did, gazing up at him with a look worthy of an acting award.
Brad left soon afterward and if he suspected anything was wrong, he didn't let on. I'd give it an hour or two, then phone him on his cell and make sure he understood that our relationship was over. I knew I was taking the coward's way out, but I didn't want to argue about it