In the Shadow of the Crown - By Jean Plaidy Page 0,86

arms and held me against his jewel-encrusted jacket. I felt the stones pressing into my heart. I despised myself. I murmured apologies to my mother; but I knew this had to be done.

“Now,” he said, “all is well, and this is a delight to me. I like it not when there is discord in families. From now on you are my dear daughter. You shall come to Court. All shall be as it should be between a father and his daughter.”

He was in an excellent mood, and I was fighting to hide my despondency. He would prepare drafts for me to send to the Emperor and the Pope. All I needed to do would be to sign them and the matter would be most happily settled from his point of view.

I was becoming devious. I was playing my own games as carefully as he played his; only perhaps I had more of the quality which he so much admired: honesty—and with myself. I despised myself and yet I knew that what I was doing was necessary. I could honestly say I was not doing it to preserve my life or to bring myself a comfortable style of living. Always I had the main object in mind; and it was for that I lied and dissembled.

I was thankful that I could see people freely now; and when Chapuys visited me I gave him an account of my interview with my father.

“You did what was right,” he told me.

“But I have lied. I have denied my legitimacy and dishonored my mother.”

“Sometimes it is necessary to act against one's conscience if the matter is great enough.”

“I do not wish the Emperor to regard me as a weakling who has given way to save her life.”

“The Emperor knows well your purpose.”

“I wish to write to him personally to tell him that what I have officially sent to him is untrue.”

“Do so,” he said, “and I will see that the letter reaches him.”

“If it did not and was discovered, that would be the end of my hopes… and of me.”

Chapuys nodded gravely. “It shall not be discovered. All the hopes of the Church rest with you. I swear to you that your letter will be delivered safely into the Emperor's hands.”

“I must also write to the Pope.”

“Do that. They will be sure then that you are working for God and the Church.”

He smiled at me and went on, “You are anxious. You fear that you have betrayed your mother. Rest assured that she understands. This country of England will have reason to thank you. You are going to bring it back to the Faith when the time comes.”

He took my letters. I had visions of their falling into the hands of my father. I dared not dwell on what my fate would be if they did. But I could trust Chapuys, and my cousin Charles would know that I was no traitor to the Faith.

Thus I was able to still my conscience.

I WAS SUMMONED TO JOIN THE COURT AT RICHMOND FOR the Christmas festivities. This meant that I was received back in favor. My letters to the Emperor and the Pope had sealed the matter.

Queen Jane, realizing that after my exile I might not have the clothes I would need and the means to come to Court, thoughtfully sent me money. “A little gift” she called it; and it came with a message that she was so much looking forward to greeting me.

The weather was bitterly cold, and I was glad of the fur-lined wrap which I had been able to acquire through her thoughtfulness.

It seemed strange, after so many years, to be back among the grandeur that was my father's Court. He had stamped his personality upon it, and it was glittering, splendid and outwardly merry, all laughter and song; and yet, I wondered, how many of those seemingly carefree courtiers lived in terror of offending him? I fell to thinking what it must have been like in my grandfather's day. How he would have deplored the extravagance as he watched the dwindling effect it must be having on the exchequer. But this was my father's day, and the perversity of men is such that they loved him more, with all his tantrums, extravagances and adventurous marital life, than they ever did my solemn, careful grandfather. Parsimonious, they had called him, when, if he were so, it was for their betterment.

It was Jane, the Queen, who helped me through those days. There was something