her from hurting herself.”
“So you became a psychiatrist to find the right words? To save others?”
“Right. Only I failed again, didn’t I? Beth Davenport is proof of that.”
CHAPTER THIRTY
NINA COULDN’T STOP HER body from shaking. Her hands shook. Her knees shook. Her belly spasmed. Even with the late-afternoon sun warming the interior of the unmarked car Simon had gotten hold of, she shook as if she’d never be warm again.
As he drove to his place, he didn’t speak—didn’t press her to reflect on what she’d said back at SIG headquarters.
About how she’d driven her sister to suicide, only to fail Beth almost twenty years later.
Even now, years later, the memories shredded her insides. She fought to keep her eyes open, to not blink, so she couldn’t imagine Rachel lying in a bathtub of water and blood. So she wouldn’t see the rag doll that had been Rachel’s since childhood—the one she’d been clutching in her arms as she’d sat on her own bed, being berated by an angry sister—slumped on the wet floor beside the tub. And so she wouldn’t see Beth hanging from a closet rod, a pink ribbon tied around her neck.
But it didn’t matter. She saw all of those things, anyway.
“My dad was already big in politics when we were young,” she said, surprised by the sound of her own voice. “He expected Rachel and I to both go into law, the way he had. I did great on my SATs. Had straight As since grade school. Captain of the debate team, class president. I broke long-standing records on the swim team.”
“And Rachel?” Simon asked, his low voice rumbling through her.
She cleared her throat and tried to speak past the tension that tightened her vocal cords. “Straight Cs in high school. Flunked her first year in college. Chubby and unathletic. Desperate for my father’s attention, but he lavished praise on me for my achievements and gave her the cold shoulder. She could never measure up to me in his eyes. I think that’s why she’d been so desperate for Mason’s attention—she wanted to be seen by a man as desirable in some way.”
“Makes sense,” Simon said. He flashed on the turn signal and eased the car off the main street. She didn’t pay attention to the residential area they drove through. She didn’t care where they were headed. Nowhere felt safe.
“Somehow this all links back to me. To something I did. But what?” she asked, her throat so tight now the words barely came out. “Which of my mistakes has come back to haunt me? And who’s trying to seek justice for them?”
He whipped the car into the parking garage of his apartment complex, the sudden turn throwing Nina against the passenger-side door. “Don’t say that,” Simon said angrily. “Don’t blame your decisions for someone else’s sick vendetta. The choice to kill, to mutilate, was his, not yours. You did nothing wrong.”
She smiled gamely. “No. You’re right. I’m just being silly. One shock too many, I guess. This isn’t my fault. Logically, I know that.”
But they’d already discussed how logic didn’t always match up to what one was feeling. And right now, she felt she was being punished.
And that she deserved it.
* * *
NINA AWOKE DISORIENTED, but quickly realized she still lay on Simon’s living room floor, his naked body sprawled next to her, his arm under her neck. Once again, he’d given her something wonderful—not just his body but a temporary respite from unpleasant memories and the fear of what was coming next.
She was becoming addicted to him, she realized, and it had to stop. He wasn’t her magic pill to make her troubles go away. If they were in a committed relationship, it would be different. She’d be entitled to lean on him once in a while. But they weren’t in a relationship. They weren’t going to have a happy-ever-after here. And that meant she needed to start facing the realities of her life on her own.
Sighing, she shifted and looked out the bay window to see dusk had come. Across San Francisco, lights popped on, twinkling and glowing, wrapping the city in beauty. So lovely, like the grand lady she was. But the lights were a warm and glowing facade, hiding deep dark secrets under its blanket of brilliance.
Simon stirred next to her and her body responded with a sudden and unexpected rush of desire. He’d made love to her so sweetly. So tenderly. At the same time, just like always, the sex had