his arms crossed over his chest, staring at the sky.
He didn’t go home. Why does my heart react to that?
I try to get a read on his face, but he’s too far away.
My fingers and toes tingle as I change into leggings, a T-shirt, and a big sweater and head downstairs. I forgo the rest of my morning routine of tea and breakfast, for now. The need to talk to Noah first overshadows everything else.
The sliding door closes quietly behind me as I make my way to the swing, without a word or a sound, not wanting to disturb this serene scene. The sun is still rising in the sky, barely able to cast its rays through the morning clouds.
The swing protests when I sit down but it came with the house, so I can’t complain. I scrubbed it until it sparkled as much as it ever would. Plus, it’s comfortable. Squeaky but comfortable.
We aren’t high enough in the hills to have a view of the bay, but this little piece of lush greenery makes up for it. The quiet melody of the fountain soothes my nerves as I pull my feet up on the cushion and wrap my arms around them.
Minutes tick by as we sit like this with Noah keeping the movement going.
When I bite my lip so hard that I’m afraid I might have drawn blood, I close my eyes and take a calming breath.
You’ve got this. You will feel so much better once it’s out there.
“Do you remember I told you my sickness got worse when we went to see my grandparents?” I don’t wait for an answer and keep my gaze on the fountain. “It was shortly after we got to Los Angeles, and everyone thought I might have gotten pneumonia like my mom had a few weeks before. So my dad dragged me to the doctor. They did a bunch of tests and the X-rays showed that my heart was enlarged and that I had possible fluid around my lungs.”
The swing stops for a moment before it resumes, and I use that time to swallow past the obstruction in my throat.
“You never told me about the heart stuff.”
“I know.” I lower my gaze. “It was all too much, and I didn’t want to worry you. You had started your summer swim camp already, and I knew how much you were looking forward to it.”
He exhales loudly but stays quiet.
“The next few weeks are a bit of a blur. They rushed me to the hospital where they specialize in cardiac care, which happens to be one of the best in the country. I was put on medications and more tests were done. I spent some time in the ICU and the cardiac unit, but was sent home when the medication seemed to work, even though they still couldn’t diagnose me.” I don’t tell him how miserable I was, or that I missed him with my whole being and cried myself to sleep more nights than not.
“And you guys were staying with your grandparents?”
“Yeah. Grandpa wasn’t the youngest anymore, and Grandma had just broken her hip. It was a bit of a mess. My parents didn’t know what to do, but when things took a turn for the worse a week later, I was rushed back to the hospital with an abnormally high heartbeat. At that point, they were able to diagnose me with cardiomyopathy caused by myocarditis, a heart disease that can lead to heart failure.”
I snort and glance over at him. “Can you believe it can be caused by a common cold?”
His eyes are closed, but I wait until he opens them and looks at me. I need to establish this connection with him, I need to know I didn’t imagine it last night. When his glassy gaze finally locks with mine, time stops for a moment.
I don’t want to go on, but I know he needs to know, even if he doesn’t really want to.
His chest hitches when he opens his mouth. “Is that when you sent me that message?”
I’m lost in his gaze and can’t look away even if I wanted to. But I know there’s no way I can get any words out right now, so I nod.
And swallow. Hard. It takes me three times to finally succeed.
He scrubs a hand over his face. “I could have been there for you.”
“I know.”
“I would have wanted to be there for you.”
My chin trembles. “I know.”
“Fuck.” He releases a heavy sigh and leans