Sean's Reckoning - By Sherryl Woods Page 0,71

sort of fight-or-flight instinct to kick in that would have him bolting for the door. Instead, there was…an unbelievable sense of inner peace. Genuine contentment stole through him.

Gazing down at soft-as-satin cheeks still flushed from the last time they’d made love, he felt a smile curving his lips. He could do this. With Deanna he could face the future with the kind of faith that commitment required. He couldn’t imagine a time when he wouldn’t want to wake up next to her, when he wouldn’t want to play ball with Kevin, maybe even hold a baby of their own.

There it was, he thought, as the first hint of anticipated panic crept in at the thought of babies. That was the image destined to send a little tremor of fear racing through him. His pulse raced and his stomach knotted.

A baby, for heaven’s sake. What was he thinking? What did he know about babies? The last time he’d spent any extended time around babies, he’d been a kid himself. He remembered the twins’ homecoming from the hospital, how he and Ryan had held them as if they might break, excited by the prospect of having two more brothers.

Unfortunately, that thrill hadn’t lasted. He remembered that the twins had cried more, been more difficult to pacify than Michael. One cranky baby would have been stressful enough. Two caused sleepless nights and frayed tempers. He remembered the strain on his mother’s face, the impatient complaints from his father that escalated into shouting matches that often sent him, Ryan and Michael running from the house to hide until the furor was over. He remembered feeling scared and, worse, resentful of the two tiny beings who’d come into their midst and ruined everything.

What the hell was he doing, thinking about having a baby with Deanna or with anyone else? How many times had he wished back then that the twins had never been born? Now guilt and anguish welled up inside him at the hateful thoughts he’d once harbored for those two innocent boys. How could he have been so selfish? he reproached himself.

With the long-forgotten memories flooding in, he wondered how he could have buried all of that for so long. Obviously he’d buried it as deep as the fear that those childish wishes had been the cause of his parents taking the twins and leaving.

He wasn’t aware that tears were sliding down his cheeks until he felt Deanna hesitantly touch the dampness, her expression worried.

“Sean, what is it? What’s wrong?”

He shoved her hand aside and swiped impatiently at the telling tears, embarrassed at having been caught crying. “Nothing,” he said brusquely.

She laid her hand over his. “Don’t try to tell me that. I don’t believe you.”

Her steady look told him she had no intention of letting him off the hook. He took a deep breath and forced himself to admit at least part of what had reduced him to tears. “I just slammed headfirst into a slew of old memories.”

“Not very pleasant ones, I gather.”

He shook his head.

She smoothed her hand over the stubble on his cheek. “Tell me.”

Her tone was gentle, but it was a command. He knew her well enough to see that. She wasn’t going to rest until he’d spilled his guts to her. What would she think of him then? Maybe, despite what she’d said last night, she would be the one who’d flee from the relationship.

With a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach, he began slowly, describing the upheaval the twins’ arrival had caused in his family. As he described how the situation had worsened month by month, Deanna nodded, her expression filled with understanding and compassion, not the disgust he’d feared.

“I wanted them to go away,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper as he admitted the shameful sentiment.

“Oh, Sean.” She didn’t seem shocked or appalled, just very sad. “Don’t you imagine that’s exactly how every sibling feels when a new baby brother or sister comes home from the hospital? You had two brothers thrust on you all at once. Worse, they weren’t easy babies.”

“But Ryan didn’t resent me. Neither of us felt that way about Michael.”

“Do you really remember that clearly? You were only two when Michael was born,” she reminded him.

“I remember…” he insisted, not ready to let himself off the hook “…as clearly as I remember the tension that began the second Patrick and Daniel came home from the hospital.”

Deanna didn’t seem entirely convinced, but she said, “You mentioned the twins