He raised an eyebrow in curiosity and she continued. “My apartment was filled with it for the past two years. I’d buried myself in loneliness, wallowed in the grief of a lost child.”
“A lost child?” He reached for her hand once again, unable not to touch her in some way as she spoke of the trauma in her past.
“Jason wasn’t particularly happy when I got pregnant after we’d been married for almost a year, but he seemed to resign himself to the fact that he was going to be a father. There were already cracks in our marriage, but like so many fools I thought maybe a baby would help, that somehow we’d be better as a family than as a couple.”
He felt the tension in her fingers as a deep sadness filled her beautiful eyes. “Something happened in my seventh month, the doctors aren’t sure what, but the little girl that I carried died. They induced labor and I gave birth to her and then picked out a casket for her to be buried in.”
Seth’s heart ached with her pain, although there was no way he could feel the depth of agony such an experience would produce. “I’m sorry, Tamara.”
For a moment her eyes shimmered with tears and then she swallowed hard and seemingly willed them away. “It was a tough time, but the worst part was that I knew deep in my heart that Jason didn’t really grieve the loss, that I thought he was more relieved than sad. I filed for divorce the very next day. I moved out of our house and into the apartment and brought all my pain, all my grief with me and I never really moved past it. That’s why I didn’t want to go home, because there’s nothing there for me.”
She looked at him expectantly, but he knew he couldn’t allow himself to get caught up in the emotion of the moment. He let go of her hand and stood, needing to distance himself before he did something they both might regret.
“Now you can go home and build a better life for yourself. You’re such a strong woman, Tamara. It’s time to let your grief, your fear and all of your baggage go and learn to live with happiness.”
Her gaze remained locked with his, and she went so still it was as if she was once again drugged. He knew what she was thinking, that there had been no offer of anything for them in his words. He took a step toward the door.
“Will I see you tomorrow?” she asked as she raised her chin.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “Tom will be in to see you and wrap up all the details. I’ll make sure he has all your things from Linda’s place. I’m not sure when I’ll leave to head back to Kansas City. Maybe it would be best if we just said our goodbyes now.” His chest hurt, as if her arms were wrapped too tightly around him.
“I don’t want to say goodbye...ever,” she said, her eyes simmering with emotion. “I’m in love with you, Seth.”
Her words were like a knife in his heart. He didn’t want to hear them. He didn’t want to know them. He definitely didn’t want to embrace them as real.
“Tamara, I care about you deeply, but I’ve never made any promises. We both knew this...us...was just a temporary thing. I’m built to travel alone and you need to go home and face whatever demons haunt you there. Find happiness, Tamara, that’s what you deserve.”
He didn’t wait for a reply, but hurried out of the room. He made it almost to the front door of the hospital before he sagged against the wall, a grief he’d never felt before washing over him. It was the grief of what might have been if they’d met at a different place, at a different time.
When she’d told him about the loss of her baby, he’d wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms, to hold her until the pain inside her stopped, but that was a heart pain that would haunt her on some level forever.
He lingered only a minute and then shoved off the wall and headed for the exit. There would be loose ends to tie up and then he could head back to Kansas City, where he belonged.
It was time for this vacation to be over and for him to somehow reclaim the life he’d left behind...a life without Tamara.
Chapter Sixteen
It had been