was great. Ranger and had been able to have date nights, even weekends away. But these were not regular circumstances. I didn’t want to let my children out of my sight, and I surely didn’t want my well-meaning, strong, loving and overbearing friends trying to make things better.
A lot of other people’s friends would’ve given up. Not because they were bad people, but because there was a limit of someone else’s suffering most people could handle.
Most people didn’t do well at witnessing grief so close to home, being assaulted with the knowledge of just how close they were to that kind of pain. That kind of loss.
But these women were not most people.
They had certainly proven that throughout the years.
I’d been proud to call them friends, that the club finally had Old Ladies who inspired the men to head in a more legitimate direction.
Not that that had mattered for me, of course.
But I also resented them. That was the prickly, ugly truth of it all. I resented that they got to witness my pain and then go back to their homes, to their husbands, and they didn’t have an empty bed or broken heart.
It was unfair of me.
But life wasn’t fair lately, so whatever.
And one day, on a Tuesday afternoon after I’d picked Jack and Lily from school, I fully shattered. There was no other word for it. I didn’t snap. No, there was no room in my life for ‘snapping’ under the weight of everything. Before now, there were hairline fractures on the surface of my soul, ones that small children thankfully couldn’t perceive.
But the thing about cracks was that they usually got bigger. Made things more fragile. And that Tuesday after school, I realized how fragile I had become.
So I carefully, calmly bundled my kids into our car and drove them to one of the many women who would take care of them. One that would look at me, not ask questions, and take my kids without a word without expecting me to call and tell her when I was coming back. One who would understand if I didn’t come back for a while.
Amy opened the door looking movie star perfect, as always. She smiled when she saw me. A genuine smile. Not full of worry or pity.
“Hey! I was just about to blow my brains out watching Peppa Pig. You saved me. I’ll get the wine.”
“Can you take care of the kids?” I asked, my mask starting to slip, unable to hide the tremor in my voice.
Amy’s smile faltered ever so slightly before she winked at Jack then leaned forward to take the bag I had packed from them. “I have brownies that Gwen made on the counter,” she rolled her eyes at Lily before continuing. “She is an evil witch, trying to get me to binge on sugar. Luckily, I now have you tiny humans to do that.”
Lily needed no more urging, passing me to run through the house. Jack glanced up at me, worried. He looked at me like that a lot these days. I ruffled his hair. “I’ll be fine, dude. Just need to go and take care of some things. Go and consume terrible amounts of sugar.”
He frowned for a beat. “Love you,” he said uncharacteristically, especially in front of an audience.
“I love you more,” I whispered as I gave him a squeeze.
Jack moved inside the house he’d been in many times.
“I’ll be back...” I trailed off, not wanting to lie, but afraid to tell the truth and become the world’s worst mother.
“You’ll be back when you feel like you can be back,” Amy finished for me. “We’re good here. Brock will be home soon, and I’ve got wine. I’m really good at keeping kids alive. I’ve babysat Mia’s kids before and managed to survive that.” She winked. “It’ll all be okay here. Take care of you, okay? You need this.”
I nodded once, not trusting myself to speak in fear of bursting into tears that I wouldn’t be able to stop.
So I turned my back on them all and got in my car. Drove away. Not knowing where I was going or when I’d be back.
I hadn’t made the conscious decision to pull into Sunset Lodge. To drive in that direction. But it didn’t exactly surprise me either. That’s where I’d found myself during my last episode of hopeless sorrow. It was the place that had sucked in all my pain. Didn’t take it away exactly, but the air felt lighter there. It