The Saddest Song - By Susie Kaye Lopez Page 0,28

wasn’t helping. I was trying to walk a line between holding on and letting go. A lot of it I had absolutely no control over. Love doesn’t let you have a lot of say. It just happens. Garrett was my first love and I knew he would be in my heart always. When I was an old woman I would still love and miss him. I was sure of this. But would I always be alone? Would I never get to be a wife or mother or a grandmother? Would I miss out on it all because my soul mate died when I was 17? I could see myself finding a career I loved and having pets and friends to fill the emptiness. Max would get married someday and I could be an honorary aunt to his kids. Caitlynn’s too. I could have a good life alone. I would try to. I would be okay, right? I yawned and stopped my musings about the dismal future ahead of me. I closed my eyes and retreated to the only peace I still could count on: sleep.

The dream began simply. I was sitting at a concert in the same venue I had been at just a few hours before. But instead of Mark or Colin, Max was sitting on the stage with his guitar. “This next song is a very special one. It was written by my brother Garrett for his girlfriend, Rainey. It’s called “Go on without me.”

As he strummed the guitar my heart jumped in my chest as I tried to hear the words. Garrett? Garrett is dead. I was thinking that even if he were alive, Garrett had never written a song. He certainly couldn’t write one now.

My confusion made me miss the lyrics and as I looked around me I saw that I was the only one in the audience. Max finished singing and then picked up his guitar and went back stage. I stood, opening my mouth to call out to Max, when I heard a voice behind me.

“Rainey.”

I stood still. I didn’t turn around.

“Rainey,” he said again. Still, I could not make myself turn around. I was frozen.

“Rainey, don’t be afraid. It’s me.” I knew who “me” was. I had longed to hear that voice. I was afraid I had forgotten the sound of it, but of course I hadn’t. Still, I couldn’t turn. I was afraid. I was hopeful.

“Sweetheart, it’s okay. I’m still me.” His hand on my shoulder gently turned me around until my eyes flooded with tears at the sight of him. Garrett stood there looking whole and real and alive. He was perfect. He reached out and pulled me into his arms and I sobbed against his shoulder, my tears soaking the shirt he wore, my fingers clutching him tightly, lest he try to leave. I couldn’t think, only feel. I felt overwhelmed that he felt so warm and safe. He was mine and I was his and I needed to stay here. Here in this dream in his arms, forever. Could I stay forever?

“Shhhhh… Rainey, it’s okay. Stop crying, baby. I haven’t got a lot of time and I need to talk to you. I need to know that you are listening.”

“You’re still dead?” I managed to say through my tears.

“Yes, sweetheart. That isn’t going to change.” He put his hands on my wet cheeks, wiped the tears away with his thumbs, and looked deeply into my eyes. “Rainey, you need to hear this. I am okay. You are too. We will always love each other but it’s time for us to realize that we can’t be together anymore. I have to go. You have to live. Go live a full, busy, happy, messy life. Love someone else. It won’t hurt me. It won’t erase us. I want to see you in love and happy once again.”

“But, I can’t. I only want you.”

“You can and you will. It was meant to be. We weren’t.”

He looked at me sadly. “Now go love again. Do it for me. I will check in on you now and then, and I want to see my old smiling Rainey. If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for me.”

He kissed me then, gently and pulled away slowly, taking my left hand in his and sliding the ring off of it.

“No! Garrett, don’t leave me. Give me back my ring.”

He smiled and said, “I love you Rainey, but it’s time. You will be fine, you’ll