I should take her home. I know what I’m doing is wrong, but this part of me always seems to win because there’s just more bad in me than there is good. Besides, being bad is way more fun.
She comes out after a few minutes, her hair brushed and the dark stains of mascara cleaned off her face. “Sorry I looked so bad …” Her voice trails off.
“Grief isn’t pretty.”
She shakes her head. “No … it’s not.”
I put my water bottle down and move closer to her, leaning my hip against the kitchen counter. “Why did you come here with me?”
She tilts her head a little and bites her lip. “To forget.”
“Forget what?”
“Just …” She looks off out the window at the lake. “Everything.” Tears start to fall down her cheeks. “Him … me … the pain. All of it.” She chokes and wipes at her eyes. “I feel like it’s killing me. I feel like I want to die, and I don’t know how to make it stop. I’ve never been this way, ever.”
I think back to her social media statuses, how happy and whimsical she was before the accident, and what a shame it is that her light has been snuffed.
“I’m scared of the thoughts I have. I have so much hatred for the person who caused the accident. It’s not fair that he lived and my husband didn’t. I feel alone, like no one is really understanding me. They just want me back how I was …” She coughs and takes a sip of water. “I’m not that person anymore and I’m tired of trying to be. I’m just … exhausted. I don’t want to think, or do, or anything anymore. I want it all to stop. I want a reset button.”
I did this. This beautiful, pixie-like girl doesn’t smile anymore because of my bad mistakes. I can’t change the accident, or bring back Katie, Renee, or Nick, but I can fix Tabitha. I can flip her all-the-fuck back around again. I know this without a doubt because I know myself, and I know pain, and I know pleasure, and I know how to unfuck and refuck and fix fuck, and it starts with breaking her down, gaining her trust, and renewing her.
I don’t know shit about love and romance, but I know that true submission goes far deeper than love. It gives more; it takes more. Love is fragile and can be destroyed. Submission is strong and only strengthens with time. Love leaves people weak and devastated, as she is now. Submission heals and awakens. Submission is love on fucking steroids. Men like me have a radar for women that need to submit, and she’s silently screaming for it just as much as I’ve been silently begging to give it. I hope I’m not wrong, but my gut tells me I’m right.
I lift her chin and force her to look up at me. “You probably won’t believe me, but I understand more than you know. I know exactly how you feel.” I take a deep breath and search her eyes. “I can help you, if you want me to. I could help you forget. I can help you out of this bad head space you’re in. But you’d have to trust me.” I sound like a crazy douche, but I can’t pick the right words for what I’m trying to say. I silently curse myself for being verbally challenged.
“I don’t even know you.” Her voice shakes but there’s no hint of fear. She’s still too numb for that.
“Sometimes, we can’t trust what we do know, and we have to trust what we don’t.”
“You really think you could possibly help me? I’ve already talked to a therapist and she’s useless as shit. I feel like she’s … like she’s analyzing me. Judging me. I stopped going.”
“I’m not a fucking therapist. But I know how to make it stop.”
She licks her lips, the glimpse of her pink tongue making my cock twitch. “I’m all yours then,” she says breathlessly. “Make me forget. Make me want to live again. I’ve tried everything else.”
I waste no time accepting that challenge and bring both my hands up to the sides of her face to hold her still as I take her lips with mine. I kiss her, feather soft, barely touching her lips, tasting her breath, lingering close to her and lightly running my tongue along her bottom lip, and she quivers and shivers beneath my touch. She gasps but opens her mouth for my tongue to explore hers. Her small hands clutch tightly at the sides of my shirt, hanging on to me.
After a few moments I pull away, and she sways on her feet. I put my hands on her waist to steady her. I’m enjoying the effect I have on her immensely. It’s exactly what I wanted.