I been missing with my determination to have only mutually satisfying sex?
These are the thoughts that race through my head as Simone sleeps in my arms.
Her face is bruised. Her body is injured and sore all over, yet I don’t want to be anywhere else. I can’t imagine this feeling as good in any other situation.
And that scares the shit out of me.
I’m not this guy.
I’m not the type of man to let any form of emotion drag me down. Work is hard, and outside of that, my life is all fun and games. It’s about pleasure and hedonism.
Yet, here I am, clinging to her harder than she’s embracing me in her slumber.
I growled territorially at the nurse earlier who came in wanting to disturb her. She needs the medical attention, but I didn’t want her to be bothered while she finally managed to get some peaceful sleep.
Distance is what I need. In my head I can understand that, but it takes more strength than it should to slide my body out from under her to climb out of the hospital bed, and even after I’m clear, I still spend ten minutes looking down at her checking to make sure she’s going to stay asleep.
I made her a promise. I told her I’d be here when she wakes up, and I want to keep my word.
But the walls are closing in, the room growing smaller by the second with just the two of us here. I can’t see her stomach. It’s covered by her gown and blankets, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to reach out and place my hand there.
I’ve never wanted children. Precious as they are, they’re a load of responsibility. Not only do they require time and attention, but they have to always come first. It’s a given that a child would change my life. What I know now, the lifestyle I lead would never be the same if that thing growing inside of her is mine.
I know all of this.
Yet, I still want to rage against the world at the possibility that it isn’t mine. A part of my best friend could be developing inside of her instead. I’m torn with how that makes me feel.
I can’t hate him. I can’t hate her. We made decisions that night together, and regardless of the outcome, we’re all going to change. There’s no way things won’t be different. I know that. Just like I know that even if the baby turns out to be Jinx’s I won’t be able to walk away.
Somehow the girl who was only supposed to be a way to blow off steam and have a little fun with has managed to get under my skin in a way I can’t begin to understand.
I leave her hospital room with a whispered prayer that the baby is mine because apparently, I’ve lost my damn mind.
It’s late, or early depending on one’s interpretation. I haven’t slept, but the sun is just beginning to cast a light glow on the horizon as I walk out of the hospital. Just as I suspected, Jinx is outside pacing. It’s been almost two hours since he walked out, but I knew he’d be here.
We’re much the same, our goals in life aligning nearly perfectly. I knew he was upset, overcome with all of the possibilities we’re facing, but I also knew that he can’t just walk away either.
“A fucking kid?” he mutters as I walk up. “I didn’t want a fucking kid, man.”
He scrapes his hands over his head before shaking them down at his sides in an attempt to relieve some of the tension I notice is drawing his shoulders tight. It doesn’t seem to work because he does it another three times in the next minute of silence.
“Me either,” I confess, even though I’d never say these words to Simone’s face.
His pacing halts as he turns to look at me. “Do you think she did this on purpose? She said she was on birth control. She fucking lied to us.”
I bite the inside of my cheek before lashing out at him. Protection that night was just as much our responsibility as it was hers. She’s not to blame that we didn’t wrap our dicks.
“Fuck, man. Really?” He glares at me. “You don’t think she did?”
I shake my head. “She said she was on birth control. I believed her that night, and I believe her now.”