sure,” I say because even though I’m exhausted, I can’t close my eyes. Tonight has been playing over and over in my head, and it’s ten times worse when I close my eyes.
“Kincaid doesn’t tolerate abuse to women on any level.” Rocker presses two fingers to the back of my hand over the blanket. “What happened to you tonight isn’t your fault. Jeremy raping you a couple days ago wasn’t your fault. You didn’t deserve any of this.”
“I didn’t tell him no,” I argue.
The sex with Jeremy the other day wasn’t the first time I submitted when every atom in my body was begging me to run. The voices were just louder this last time.
“You didn’t say yes. That’s rape, Simone.”
I try and fail to blink away another wave of tears. I’m thankful for the IV attached to me because I swear, I’d be dehydrated by now if it weren’t.
I keep my mouth clamped shut. I know his reasoning. I even accepted the very same through counseling, and I don’t know if it was my shove right back into that abusive and toxic relationship, but I found myself once again accepting the things he told me, allowing those horrible things to happen. The backbone I grew while he was away disappeared the second I opened that door to his handsome, smiling face.
A devil in sheep’s clothing. My parents always said that about him. God, how things would be different if I had listened to them before he got his hooks so deep in me. There might’ve been drama if I’d left him before we got married, but I don’t think he was at the point that he would’ve killed me for walking away. Earlier tonight, my death was his sole purpose. I saw that evil in his eyes. It was stronger than it had ever been before, and I realized as he was choking the life out of me that it was the very first time I gave him an actual reason to hurt me. The times before were just perceived wrongs. Tonight, he was ending things, and I acted the only way I knew how, and it may land me in prison for the rest of my life.
“Hey.” I don’t realize my tears have transitioned into sobs until Rocker brushes gentle fingers down my cheeks. “Everything is going to work out.”
I shake my head, but I can’t find the strength to deny his words. I want to believe him. I want to have a life in a world where Jeremy can no longer hurt me. I want to have this baby. I want to be strong.
I want all of those things, but I just can’t bring myself to hope that something will finally work out in my favor.
Besides my sister, I have the worst luck known to man.
“Scoot,” Rocker urges with a gentle nudge to my hip.
When I don’t move fast enough, he gently lifts me off the mattress before lowering me back down a few inches to the far side.
“Come here,” he urges, holding my IV lines out of the way and pointing to his chest.
I blink up at him, legitimately uncertain of what he’s wanting.
“Lie down,” he insists.
Exhausted, I lower my body half on his chest and half on the bed. We don’t do this. We don’t cuddle. Not once has this man woken up in my bed. He’s only seen the sunrise from my kitchen window the night he and Jinx came over together because we were still awake from the night before. They were also still too intoxicated to drive home safely.
The interactions between this man and me are purely sexual. It’s the way we both wanted them. He’s man enough to have had that conversation with me before our lips ever touched the first time, and I was so okay with the idea, we barely made it to the privacy of the office at Jake’s before I ripped his clothes off.
So, it’s a little unorthodox to be lying close enough to hear the steady beat of his heart, to feel his arm around my back, and his fingers trailing up and down my spine.
My eyes drift closed, and for the briefest of seconds, I’m able to clear my mind and exist in an alternate universe, a place where the pregnancy is cause for celebration and I know who the father is. That bliss doesn’t last very long because the reality is too strong to keep the fantasy alive.