because Big Eddie was too big to go out because of something as mundane as a car accident. He could not die because of something so artless.
“What did they find?” I asked Abe.
He shook his head. “They haven’t said yet. It takes some time for the tests to be done. Tox screens, blood work. They’ll want to make sure there were no drugs or alcohol in his system at the time of the accident.”
Stop saying accident, you old bastard. It wasn’t an accident. “Big Eddie wasn’t like that,” I said sharply. “He would never have been so stupid.”
“I know, Benji. It’s routine. They have to check. To make sure.”
I have to go to Eugene. Meet up with some friends. I’ll be back in the afternoon.
“He told me he’d come back,” I mumbled as I started to shrink back in on myself. “He said he’d come back.”
“I know he did, boy. Big Eddie was a man of his word too. I’m sure he would have come back just as soon as he could have.”
We were silent, for a time. Then, “Did I hurt her?” I asked in a small voice.
Abe sighed and grabbed my hand. His old skin felt soft against mine. “No. Scared her, yes. But hurt her? No. You didn’t touch her, though it wasn’t for a lack of trying. Doc Heward is a lot quicker than he looks, I’ll give him that.”
There was no recrimination in his voice, but I still needed him to understand. “I wasn’t… I didn’t want to hurt her,” I said. “She… she was the one… I just can’t stop thinking that she took him from me.”
“But she didn’t,” he said. “Lola had nothing to do with it. She’s in just as much pain as you are, Benji, and she’s going to need you as much as you need her.”
He was right, of course, but still I was stubborn. “She has the Trio,” I said bitterly.
“As do you, but it’s not going to be the same. The Trio will love you and will hold you, but they can’t ever understand completely what you and your mom are going through.”
It hit me then, the grief, and I felt awful. “But you can, can’t you. You know. You know as much as we do.”
He looked down at his hands. “This is such a shitstorm,” he said quietly.
I snorted. Truer words had never been spoken.
He didn’t look up at me when he spoke. “I know it’s going to be hard, boy. Lord knows I do. People will tell you pretty words about how Big Eddie is at peace now. That he’s with God and all the glory of heaven is shining down on him. They’ll say you should remember the good things about his life because it will help you find some measure of solace. Maybe they’re right. Maybe that’s the right way to go about it. Maybe that’s exactly what you need to do. Think about how wonderful your father was, how much he loved you. How much you loved him. Maybe that can carry you through the darkest hour. Maybe it will be enough.”
My breath hitched in my chest.
“But you know what? It may not be enough. You will be angry. You will be sad. You will think the world is crashing down around your ears and there is nothing you can do to stop it. After… after my wife died, I was lost. I was lost for such a long time. Estelle was everything to me, and I didn’t know what to do without her. There were times I would forget she was dead and I would turn to tell her something, only to have to remember it all over again. And each time I had to remember, it was just as crushing as when she first died. People told me their pretty words, gave me their sympathy, but I didn’t want to hear it. They didn’t understand that she was mine and she was gone.”
I began to weep.
“And then one day, Big Eddie came by and told me he just wanted to sit with me on the porch, and that if I wanted to talk, he’d be there. Otherwise, we could just sit. And that’s what he did. Day after day. Always on his break from the store. Forty minutes. Every. Day. And we didn’t talk, most of the time. We just sat and let the world go by, and I was okay with that.
“But eventually, I couldn’t take the silence anymore and