“Damian, you walked in my apartment and automatically assumed in the three hours you’d been gone, that I’d taken Matt back. You don’t trust me to love you and maybe I don’t entirely trust you not to break my heart. Because I won’t survive that Damian. I need to do this, not for you, but for me.”
He stands and paces my room, rubbing the top of his head with both hands and breathing heavily in and out. “Please don’t do this. I’ll do anything you want, I won’t give you a dime, you can still move and we’ll do a long distance thing. I’ll do anything, but please don’t cut me out of your life. You may not need me, but Addison . . . I need you. I’m completely lost without you.”
Kneeling in front of me, he takes both my hands in his. “I barely made it through a day without you. Look around. I moved in here while you were gone, not being able to stand the sight of my own bed. You never answered my calls. I had no idea if you were dead or alive. Do you have any idea what that felt like, Addison?”
If only he knew the desolate feelings that ravaged my body this past month. The numerous times I almost broke down and called him, it was that feeling, the empty hollow pit in my gut that made this choice easier. By leaving, I take the risk of losing him forever, but the price of losing myself, is too great to ignore. This past month away opened my eyes to the life I’ve been missing. Watching people jump from peg to peg on that obstacle course in Venice a month ago, their strength to persevere and keep fighting stirred something inside me. Some of those contestants have failed multiple times on that obstacle course, and yet they keep coming back for more, they never give up and I can’t give up either. I love this man kneeling in front of me; love him with my whole heart, but that love means nothing, if I don’t believe in myself.
Taking his face between my hands, I look into his big brown eyes. “I have a week left here Damian. One week. I won’t cut you out, but being more than friends will only make this break harder.”
He buries his face in my lap, his hands caressing the top of my legs, his fingers skimming the skin just above the waistline of my jeans. Tiny electric jolts travel from his hands to my heart as his skin touches mine and I want to lie back and let him do to me whatever he wants. Take me one last time. But it wouldn’t be fair to him or me.
“There is no way I can be around you and keep my hands to myself, Addison. No way.”
Leaning down, I kiss the top of his head, breathing in his scent one more time. “Then I think you should leave.”
Wrapping his arms around my waist, he squeezes me tight, his head pressing into my stomach. He slowly stands, bringing me up with him. Placing my hand on his heart, “This is yours, you own it. When you’re ready, it will still be yours.” Leaning down he kisses me. “I’ll wait forever, Addison. But what we have—this only comes around once in a lifetime, don’t take it for granted. I know I was a prick, I can own up to that, but don’t use it as an excuse to run from us. You say you don’t want to regret your life. Then don’t let fear lead you away from me.”
He turns and leaves, not looking back. The front door closes tight and my heart, which had been flimsily trying to stay in one piece, shatters inside my chest.
I can hear her.
Morning. Noon. And. Night.
I hear her walking around her place, wrapping her dishes in paper, taping boxes shut. The screech of that damn packing tape is like nails on a chalkboard. I want to go over and throw it off the balcony, never hear that noise again. The walls are so damn thin I can hear almost everything she’s doing over there.
Her friends have come to help. I bumped into Paige as she was leaving one night. She wouldn’t tell me how Addison’s doing, but the look she gave me said it all. She’s hurting just as much as I am