first time, and Kara’s starting to go through the process of letting him become the man she raised, not only to allow me into his life but to leave her behind. But excitement overtakes the man arising inside the boy when he points out the window and calls through his headset, “Mom, have you ever seen anything so beautiful?”
The mix of sun and clouds leaves the morning sunrise a blend of orange breaking through the lilac sky. Plenty of artists have tried to capture the beauty in paint and photographs. Many have even tried in words. Amazing how it’s the woman beside me who does it justice when she shifts slightly, reaches her hand out to our son, and says, “Just once. The minute they laid you in my arms for the first time.”
And it’s in that moment, in the early-morning air where everything is still but the pounding of my heart, I realize Jed didn’t just give me a wake-up call by dying. He saved my life by putting it right in front of the woman who’s trying to deny she needs me in hers.
Keeping silent, I listen to Kevin and Kara discuss what it takes to form a sunrise so beautiful. I’m amused when Kara whispers reverently about scattering. “It’s when particles too tiny to see change the direction light travels, sweetheart. Look at what happens.”
“Have you ever seen it before?” Kevin’s voice is solemn.
“Never from a vantage point like this.” Shifting in her seat, Kara’s face is filled with astonishment. “Is this what you feel every time you’re in the sky?”
“No.” Her brows draw down to a V before I continue. “Each flight shows me there’s more to be found in the air. Just when I thought I experienced it all, I find something else. I thought before I had it all, but I was wrong.” Adjusting our course slightly so the sun doesn’t blast us directly through the windshield, I murmur, “And I’m just glad Jed realized it.”
Kara’s prevented from saying anything when Kevin yells, “Mom! Look! Isn’t that the glacier?”
“No, it’s a glacier, but it’s not Mendenhall. At least I don’t think so? Ask your father; he’s the one whose second home is up here in the air.” Kara’s smile and words offer me a tentative truce, but I don’t want one.
I want the passion and power I know live in her so I have a shot at her heart. I follow the river for a moment before answering, “No, that’s not Mendenhall, Kevin.” I hope he doesn’t ask me to fly there. I have other plans for visiting the glacier in the air. Instead, I turn us farther west.
I may seem like I’m just flying, being in the air, but the reality is I’m putting my soul on display for the two people who are quickly becoming everything. I need for them to understand who I am while I’m up here. So, for the next hour, I answer question after question about the plane and about flying.
And not just from Kevin.
Kara
“That landing reminds me of when Kevin used to when he’d play flight simulator: smooth and easy,” I admit bashfully. “Not like me; I’d just crash the thing into the ground for the fun of it.”
Kevin guffaws loudly in my ear. “One thing I’ll say about you, Mom. You don’t lie.”
Jennings flashes me a crooked smile but doesn’t say anything as he’s talking with the tower. A moment later he responds as we taxi toward the hangar. “I’m glad that went smoothly. I’ve got precious cargo on board.”
“Kevin is absolutely that,” I agree.
“I wasn’t just talking about him,” Jennings says mildly.
I want to punch him for flirting so openly while our son is listening in, but I don’t. I tell myself it’s because he’s still navigating something that costs the price of my dream home into a ridiculously tight parking space at the direction of a ground crew member.
I stubbornly refuse to acknowledge the warmth his words cause inside me because I’m terrified of what happens when I’m let down again. Lying in bed last night, I replayed my conversation with Maris. I recalled everything about the men I dated, especially my almost engagement. And I realized Maris was right; I’ve been holding back on living not only because of what my parents did, but because of the man next to me. I held back on living because no one else could make me feel what he did.