the secret from Jed, from the Jacks, just as long as I did. So why is it I’m the one who’s taking the blame because life took something precious from both of us?”
“Because you should have been willing to accept help!” she shouts.
“Okay, so let’s turn the tables. Why don’t you tell me how you really feel about Jed leaving the cross to Nick?”
Maris clamps her lips shut, but her eyes speak volumes.
I point a shaky finger in her direction. “Do not stand there and judge me for the decisions I made. You weren’t there. I made the best choices I could to provide stability for my son. Jed may not have liked my decision, you may have lied to me about your opinions on them, but none of you lived day in and day out with a child. I did. And as a mother…”
“Once Jed first offered, Kara, once you knew exactly how to get a hold of Jennings, you should have just…”
“Stop,” I lash out. Maris could have slapped me; it would have been less painful. “You said you agreed with my choices.”
“Kara—”
I stop her from speaking. “Once Dean and Jed fell in love, I refused to put Jed in the middle because Jed was Jennings’s first. Their bond was supposed to be as sacred as yours and mine.” Now, I’m the one shrieking as memories come flooding back. “I made the best decisions I could to provide for Kevin, to protect us. When Dean took me in, I was cut off, but he didn’t think twice. Firemen of his rank back then didn’t make a lot, but my Dean? He worked himself to the bone to help pay for my medical care. He took care of me until I could teach after Kevin.” I’m talking to Maris, but I’m remembering those early days out loud.
“Kara, please don’t,” she begs me.
My eyes wander around, seeing everything and nothing. “I kept an accounting of every dime Dean spent, and every paycheck I earned after I became a teacher, I paid him back a little at a time. He hated that, did I ever tell you that? I must have. I told you everything.”
“Stop, honey. Please.”
My voice goes dreamy as I remember the early days back in Florida. “I didn’t even have money to buy a cell phone after my parents disowned me. And he couldn’t afford to get me one with the additional rent and food. God, do you remember? The hospital had to call Dean to tell him I went into labor. And then he called you so you could hear everything. But holding Kevin that first moment? It made all the suffering worth it. It made every moment of pain I’ve endured as a mother worth it.” Then fury whips clean through me. “See, what you don’t get, Maris, is that as a mother, you’ll do anything for your child. And for the last fifteen years, I’ve made the best decisions I could with people around me I thought I could trust. People—” A sob escapes my throat. “—whose opinions I relied on. I raised my son on my own because he was mine. And until Jed began to work to change my mind on that, you agreed with that.”
I ignore the tears falling down Maris face as I continue. “God, it all comes back to family, doesn’t it? I was right all along. There are some things you just don’t do to family. With the way Dean and I were, I believed right here—” I smack my hand into the center of my chest before continuing. “—there are some bonds you don’t break. Some people you don’t put in the middle or turn your back on. But your brother thought he knew better. He believed his brotherhood could withstand it—his with Jennings, and his with me. So, fine. Blame me. Blame me for his death and for everything beforehand.”
“Please, Kara, stop,” Maris beseeches me.
Ignoring her, I continue. “I let him convince me to put that codicil in the will knowing my son would ask before that because he’s as inquisitive as I am. And I’d be in this exact same position. I fought Jed, but only because I didn’t want to think about what it would mean to all of us. For better, for worse, I made a beautiful child with Jennings. And there are too many connections for us to avoid them forever.”
Maris is silent as I regroup my thoughts. When I speak again, my