without saying goodbye. Or letting me give her my new number. Damnit, how is all of this going to work out?
Left behind, I stare at a woman I was once intimate with. Memories bombard me as her long legs eat up the distance on the grassy knoll until she’s out of sight.
But one thing burns at me.
I turn back to Jed’s grave and ask the only man who could have answered the question but who can’t give me the answer. “What the hell do I do now?”
Like I expected, there’s no answer in the cool morning air. With a sigh, I turn and head back to the B&B to get a hold of Lou so I can start to strategize how I can manage to stay in Alaska for a prolonged visit.
Because there’s no way I’m missing the opportunity to get to know my son.
Kara
That didn’t go as poorly as could be expected.
I pass the turnoff that would take me back to Maris’s house and head straight on Mendenhall Loop Road. I had always intended on bringing Kevin with me when I came back here for the first time, but maybe it was meant to be like this.
Taking a chance, I drive up to see if there is parking in one of the two tiny parking lots. Someone is feeling benevolent as I turn down an aisle just as a family of four makes it to their vehicle. My heart pounds in anticipation. Soon, I tell myself. I’ll have a moment of freedom I haven’t in so long.
Shoving my wallet into the pocket of my jacket, I sprint to the Visitor Center. After impatiently waiting for them to process a season pass, I race back down the ramp toward the signs that will lead me to the Nugget Falls Trail.
I don’t look up. I can’t. I need to get to the spot, my spot, before I do.
Luckily the trails aren’t busy midweek. The air by the glacier bites at me as I’m not dressed for the cooler temperatures as I approach her majestic beauty. Finally I stop, knowing in my head what I should see when I glance up. But the knot that’s been in my stomach since last night expands as I’m unable to comprehend the difference between the glacier’s magnificence since I last saw her sixteen years ago and now. “What’s happened to you?” I whisper aloud. But for all intents and purposes, the question I just asked is one the snow and ice should have been shouting back at me after what happened to Dean and Jed.
Sinking down into a crouch, I wrap my arms around my legs and let loose the tears I held back. Remembering the call I had to make to Maris to let her know about the death of our brothers. Hearing in my head her screams which echoed the sentiments of my heart. The nights I’d rock Kevin against me as he’d sob his pain out.
And I’d be lying if I didn’t cry a little because the last time I was crouched in this very spot, I was holding the early pregnancy test I sealed carefully in a ziplock. I’d just given up my dream of being a scientist who cared for this glacier.
Now, as I press my hand to my flat stomach that nurtured and held Kevin for almost ten months, I know I was destined for a new path.
Pushing to my feet, I ignore the chill permeating my skin, take the trail back, and head toward the water’s edge. My eyes crinkle a bit when I see the interns are still putting out pieces of 200-year-old glacier ice strategically around the water’s edge for the visitors to touch. Slowly, I make my way around to the farthest edge and take in the glory of the Tongass National Forest as it begins its short summer season.
“I needed to be here to resolve all of these feelings still bottled inside of me. I didn’t realize how much seeing Jennings again would affect me,” I murmur aloud. Looking skyward, I whisper, “I can’t say I welcome him in my life, Jed, but thank you for ensuring Kevin has the chance to know his father.”
As if he can hear me, a burst of sunlight breaks through a cloud and illuminates the lake. A second ray joins it. My heart gives a joyous leap. A hiccupping laugh escapes before a cluster of altocumulus clouds comes by and breaks up both rays like a prism.