I ignored her reminder about the very traumatic events of the previous evening. I could only take so much. The night’s revelation had gotten me out onto the proverbial ledge and ready to jump. After what Cora revealed, when we spoke in the park, I was barely clinging on by my fingernails.
“No worse for wear, Mum,” I lied, pressing a kiss to her cheek.
I plastered on my best smile and beamed it in Neil’s direction, faking my cheerfulness all the way.
“What are you two concocting for our dinner? Sounded like quite the party going on in here.” I made a face. “In fact you woke me up with it.”
Neil leaned up against the butcher block counter and studied me. Totally relaxed in his jeans and long sleeved black shirt with the sleeves pushed up. Such a beautiful man. He’d grown into his big body—even more handsome with the added years of maturity than he’d been when he was younger. His hair was lighter than I remembered though, as if he bleached the ends. He had a new tattoo on his forearm too. I knew exactly what it was as soon as I saw it. Jimi Hendrix’s signature. So very Neil to get that inked on to his skin.
It wasn’t easy to see him like that and not remember what that body looked like without the clothes. And when he was making love to me with it.
Okay, that hurt. I gave myself an emphatic and harsh mental slap on the hand. No more wandering thoughts about the past or what I’d walked away from. I couldn’t indulge or I’d never make it, and Mum and Ian would be visiting me at Bethlem Hospital where I’d be wearing a tight white coat with a very long wraparound belt.
“Well if you didn’t wake up you’d never be able to get to sleep tonight,” he said, taking a drink of his Guinness.
“Right,” I said dismissively. “So what are we having?” I peered toward the oven. “Whatever’s in there smells divine.” I inhaled.
“That’s Mum’s perfect roast beef and potatoes,” Neil told me.
“Oh, but Neil went out and bought the nicest piece of beef while you were sleeping, Elaina. He’s thought of everything, even a lovely dessert he’s going to make for us later,” Mum chattered cheerfully.
“Ahh, nice. What will you make?” I asked.
“Fool.”
“That sounds…umm…interesting?—I think.”
He laughed. “A fool is nothing more than cooked fruit stirred into freshly whipped cream. Easy, right? If I can make it, then anyone can.”
“And tell Elaina what the cooked fruit is, dear,” Mum told him with barely suppressed glee.
“Oh, yeah, I thought about it and decided to go with…cherries.” He gave me a boyish grin and pursed his lips together to keep from laughing outright.
I rolled my eyes. “Funny. You two are absolutely hilarious together. Make sure to top my portion of Fool with extra fruit, please.”
The act I was playing would be difficult to maintain for much longer before I snapped. It was all fun and games until somebody got hurt, just as the old saying went. I could only march in step for so long before I fell out of formation. The more attention he paid me—the sweet gentle teasing, the kind remarks, the smiles and winks—the worse I felt. It just taught me more about what I’d left behind. What I’d never really have for myself again.
Oh, it was nice that we could be civil to one another now. The über awkwardness was behind us it seemed, but how was I supposed to just go forward with Neil? Former lovers now friends? And for how goddamn long could I stand it? Working at BSI was going to be torture. I should probably start looking for another job.
The utter emptiness inside me, the lack of motivation to find anything remotely good about this scenario with Neil and me, had just up and died.
Later, after dinner had been cleared away and we were onto our Cherry Fool, which had turned out very nice, the fun and games just got more surreal.
“Neil darling, tell Elaina all about your wonderful inheritance.”
“Oh, I’m sure she doesn’t want to hear about that, Mum,” he said, focusing on his creamy dessert as a way to avoid the topic.
My ears perked up instantly. Again, I’m the last person on earth to know things about Neil, and the details of his life. But whom did I have to blame for that? I breathed and told my fluttering heart to settle down and start getting used to it.
“Yes I do,” I blurted.
“Yes she does,” Mum said, speaking at the same time as me.
Neil’s eyes softened as he looked up at me and I knew what he was on about.
You’re trying to gentle the blow because you know how badly I’m struggling with this.
He knew me so well.