April: And you’re not different from me … you are me.
Gretel: Huh?
April: You’re the me I never got the chance to be. You’re the me I could’ve been if none of it happened. But it did happen, Gretel. It did. I can’t take it away. It can’t be undone. I am the woman I am because of what happened. I will never be you, and it hurts too much to keep you around. Because you’re not real. You never were. You’re just a stick to beat myself with.
Gretel: I thought I was a stick to beat Joshua with?
April: I thought so too, at first. But no.
Gretel: I thought you wanted to feel power. Haven’t you felt more powerful being me?
April: No. I’ve felt worse.
Gretel: Surprise surprise.
April: I’ve felt worse because there’s no power in denying who you are. No power in wishing things could’ve been different. No power in envying the other you that you could’ve been. No power in hiding away those bits in order to be loved.
Gretel: Bloody hell. Somebody’s been to therapy …
April: I have. It’s helping.
Gretel: I’ve never seen the need for it myself. All seems a bit self-indulgent.
April: You would think that. Because you’ve not had the life I’ve had. I’ve got to say goodbye now. To you, and to Joshua.
Gretel: April?
April: Yes?
Gretel: I’m sorry.
April: For what?
Gretel: I’m sorry you didn’t get the chance to be me. I’m sorry it all happened to you. Truly, I am.
April: Thank you. Goodbye, Gretel. It was nice never quite knowing you.
Gretel: Goodbye.
Gretel: April?
April: Yes.
Gretel: He still might love you, you know?
April: Please, don’t.
Gretel: He might.
It starts raining on the day of Chrissy’s wedding, and the day I’m going to end things with Joshua.
‘Poor Chrissy.’ Megan pushes the living-room curtains to one side, her face dimly lit by the gloomy sky. ‘Months of heatwave and then it decides to properly break on the day of your wedding. If it were me, I’d consider it an omen.’
I join her, taking the material of the curtain between my fingers. It’s pissing it down in a determined, relentless, way. Already this summer of scorched grass, sunburn by 10 a.m., and it being too hot to sleep feels like a collective dream. Like it never really happened. ‘Bless her,’ I say. ‘Such bad luck. Also, will my yellow dress look stupid now?’
‘Nah, it will be fine. It will be warm in the church. Those giant, stone rooms are well known for their cosiness.’
‘You’re hilarious.’
We both stare out at the rain like we’ve never seen it before. I run through all the ways in which I now have to adapt my plans to fit with this new precipitation. I need to find a bag that fits an umbrella. I need to find a pair of skin-coloured tights that haven’t laddered or make my legs look like I have jaundice. I need to get cash out for a cab from the station to the church, as a fifteen-minute walk will ruin my hair and make-up. I need to admit to Joshua that I’ve catfished him and listen to him tell me what a fucking psycho I am …
‘So, this is your last engagement with Joshua?’ Megan says to the misted windows.
I grasp the curtain a little tighter. ‘Yes. I’ll tell him after today.’
‘And not before the wedding today because …?’
‘Because then he won’t come.’
‘And you want him to come because?’
‘Because Chrissy says each guest costs sixty-five pound a head. You can’t lose your plus-one wedding guest last minute when it’s sixty-five pound a head.’
‘That is true.’
‘Unforgivable.’
‘And you’re sure there’s no other reason? Like, you want to spend more time with him?’
‘Stop it, Megan.’
Gretel isn’t coming to the wedding – only April. I don’t want to pretend any more and it’s all going to end anyway. So April curls her hair, because she cares about looking nice on her friend’s big day, and she checks the train times over and over because she gets stressed about being on time. She sends a message to Joshua, checking he’s going to be on time too, even though he’s never been late before.
Joshua: Bang on time. Look at me, the best-dressed dude on the tube.
He’s sent a selfie, decked out in an uncomfortable suit, and I sit down on the edge of my bed and stare at the photo. All dressed up for me, getting up early on a