harder than others. But we’re all smiling. My stomach feels the tiniest bit lighter. Like maybe I’ve soldered off the top layer of iron. I really am crying. Charlotte catches my eyes and sees how hard I’m sobbing, and she stands, pulls me up, and hugs me so tight. I hug her back, bawling into her shoulder. Howling and shedding tears all over her. She just hugs and hugs. Then there are more bodies and more hugs, and we all blend together. Arms mingling, breasts pushed together, ribs hurting as the entire class melts into a fused circle.
From: CarolFreshStart
To: AprilS1987gmail
Subject: Your first appointment
Dear April,
I’m just confirming your appointment for an initial consultation for this Wednesday evening at 7 p.m. Obviously things are slightly different as we’ve already worked together at WeAreHere, but I still think it’s important to have a talk about what you’re hoping to achieve out of this process.
Attached are the directions on how to find my office.
Kindest regards
Carol Knight
Clinical psychologist
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From: AprilWeAreHere
To: MikeWeAreHere
Subject: Official notice
Dear Mike,
As discussed in yesterday’s meeting, here is my formal notice of resignation for the role of Advisor. Thank you for being so understanding.
April
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From: MikeWeAreHere
To: AprilWeAreHere
Subject: RE: Official notice
April,
Thanks for this. Annoying legal formality, especially as it’s not like you’re leaving us!
Anyway, I accept your notice and we’ve started advertising for someone to take over your shifts permanently. I know we spoke about it a lot on Thursday, but I do want to reiterate just how grateful we are that you took on this role and everything you gave to it. These front-line jobs do take a toll; they take a toll on anyone who does them. Please don’t chastise yourself for reaching your limit. You’ve given so much and helped so many people. I’m looking forward to continuing to work with you as a volunteer manager. Thanks for everything you gave us.
Mike
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Gretel: Crazy week! Sorry I’ve not seen you. Shall we meet at Vic at 11 tomorrow for the wedding?
? And Happily Ever After … Gretel’s Guide on How to Keep Him
* * *
Oh, look how far you’ve come. Look at all you’ve achieved now you’ve learnt how to play the game. Aren’t you glad you’ve mastered the art of holding in all your totally appropriate responses? Remember how lonely you were back in those dark days of authenticity? But you made it. Well done. Let’s all be honest, I really didn’t think someone as pathetic as you would manage it, but you did. That’s how desperate you must’ve been. Enjoy your prize of a man. Enjoy society finally accepting you now that you’re not a lonely, pathetic singleton anymore. Enjoy the beautiful comfort of being in a loving, caring relationship with someone who truly adores you for who you are …
Hang on, what do you fucking mean you’ve not been being yourself?
Are you crazy?
You mean, you’ve not been being you? This whole time? Are you dim? Do you not know the most basic rule of dating – IT ONLY WORKS IF YOU ARE YOURSELF!! I thought everyone knew that. Jeez. I can’t believe you’ve been lying to this poor guy from the start. How let down he’s going to feel when he realises that you’re actually a flawed human being, with needs and desires that may infringe on his own, and that you want to be loved despite all those repulsive flaws, which is totally unreasonable if you ask me. Yes yes yes, you need to be yourself. Duh. But, like, I thought you realised all of this wasn’t about hiding yourself, but changing yourself. Making yourself perfect. Like he deserves.
Too late now. Can’t open up now. Otherwise he’ll claim false advertising and want his goddamned money back. Nope. If you don’t want to lose him, you’re just going to have to commit to keeping up this facade for the rest of your life. Just keep pretending. Every day. Fake it till you make it and all that. I mean, TRY to be yourself, but not too much. You don’t want to go back to square one again, do you? I mean, if he doesn’t love you for who you are then nobody else will. Life’s not that long to act like a complete fake. Men tend to die before women too, so you’ll get a few years when you’re eighty-six of being able to let yourself loose for a while. You can hang on until then, can’t you?