“Josh, you have to help me find her. I need to get her back. I made a terrible mistake. I think...I think I’ve lost her for good this time.” I knew he must have looked lost and broken, but I was still too angry to see him, and too worried about what I would do to him if I did.
“I want to help you, but I can’t. You really hurt her. You are lucky I don’t drop you to the ground, right here, right now.” Josh’s voice had lifted in anger as he spoke about defending me. I felt comforted by hearing that.
Suddenly, I heard a body slump to the ground.
No one had been hit had they?
“She was my future Josh. I don’t think you know how serious I was about her. What I would be willing to do to get her back. Maybe she’ll listen to you if you just tell her to forgive me.”
Josh choked as Clint pleaded with him. He knew exactly how serious was about me. “Whoa! No! Not happening! No way!”
There was another long pause before I heard shuffling again and feet walking around near the doorway. “I don’t know what to do. Please, if you see her, can you tell her I love her and that I’m sorry.” Clint’s anger at trying to find me had been replaced by despair.
“Clint, I’m sure she already knows that, but maybe it’s time to let her go. I really don’t think she’ll get past this.”
I heard a fist hit Josh’s door. “Maybe if she understood why I did what I did...”
Josh cut him off. “Hey steady, that’s my door. Look, I don’t know Clint, but if I see her, I will tell her you came looking for her. OK.”
I heard Clint sniffle before his footsteps led out from Josh’s loft.
Did I feel bad for Clint? Could I forgive him? I had forgiven him once before, I gave him a second chance, and it led me back to the exact same place where I had been side-swiped and gutted. No, with me it was, two strikes and you’re out. There was no going back.
The door closed and I sidled out from behind the curtains. Josh stared at me from across the room. There weren’t any words that could be said right now. Everything that I tried to avoid this evening had just walked through Josh’s door, causing the darkness that had tried to get drunk, be hit with a sobering punch of reality. I couldn’t focus on what I felt about Clint or what I had just been doing with Josh. I needed silence and sleep. I needed to get away from everything that was making me weak and emotional.
I kept my head hung low, avoiding Josh’s eyes, and then slowly, and very quietly, walked past Josh and went to his spare bedroom to pass out.
Chapter 20
Deeper Waters
~ ~ ~
I stared out into Josh’s bathroom as the shower ran hot along my back. Josh also had a large bathtub which I would love to soak in, but I needed the constant heat all over me, something to wash away all the painful memories that were trying to crack open in my head. I was still trying to contain my anger and hurt I was feeling about what I learned about Clint. Now that I was awake and sober, everything that happened with Clint was hitting me head-on. My heart sank even lower. How could the man I love, want to hurt me like that, or another person for that matter? Trying to get someone killed purely because they loved me and wanted me all for themselves was just wrong. I didn’t care how insecure Clint was, nothing should push someone to do that, especially out of retaliation or jealousy. I could not, nor did I want to get past that action.
Now I was back in Josh’s apartment, again finding refuge in his arms. No matter what was happening in my life, I kept coming back to Josh. Yes, I had made out with him while I was drugged at the club, and drunk last night, but I didn’t let it go any further. Why did I continue to keep him at arm’s lengths? Why did I keep pushing away the only real and true feelings I had ever known?
Why indeed?
I wish I had a sign that told me that what I was doing was right. That being here with Josh was where