chest. He was wearing a dark green V-neck shirt which clung loosely to those muscles I had admired earlier. My eyes kept drifting until they reached his jeans. I was caught in a trance as I stared at his jeans. Josh cleared his throat and my eyes immediately went back to his face.
I can’t believe I was just ogling my best friend. What is wrong with me?
Why was I now looking at Josh like this? We had both inadvertently walked in on our respective sexual partners this very morning, yet I was still drawn to him in the most lustful way. It was terrible of me to think, but at that moment, I wasn’t thinking about Melanie or Clint. I was imagining what it would be like to straddle Josh on this couch. My distraction with Clint had evidently not righted my head back to where it should be. I didn’t know what I was up against now. My old feelings for Josh were suddenly new feelings.
I started biting my lip as I continued to think about the sofa fantasy. I should have been focused on talking to Josh as a friend, like I always had, and clear the air about these uncomfortable situations we had both found each other in this morning, but my body wasn’t doing the right thing at that moment. It was very being a very naughty girl and entertaining ideas I shouldn’t be thinking about as a girl in a serious relationship. Thank goodness they are just thoughts!
As time stretched on, I started to wonder if either of us would have the guts to talk first. I wasn’t going to speak, because in all honesty, I didn’t know what to say. I felt embarrassed but also a little ashamed too. There was a feeling in the pit of my stomach that hit me the same way I was hit outside Josh’s apartment building. It was guilt, stabbing me in the gut again, and it wasn’t because I was inappropriately imagining Josh taking me from behind on this couch. No, it was because Josh had heard me making love to Clint, and for some reason, that made me feel the weirdest kind of guilt. I didn’t know what it meant, but it made me crazy in anticipation about what Josh would say next.
Finally his head moved so it was in line with the rest of the world. He opened his eyes to stare at me and then began shaking his head. “What were you trying to prove Norah? What the hell were you saying? That is not you.”
Wow, he is calling me out already. That didn’t take long. I guess he does remember how I operate.
“Excuse me?” I asked, trying to sound perplexed at the question, and disheartened by his clipped tone.
“That display. That overt display with your boyfriend. Screaming ‘I’m yours’ over and over again. Do you really have to remind yourself?”
My facial expression must have looked guilty, and I knew Josh could see that, so I did what most people do when they are caught out and couldn’t admit the truth, I denied everything. “I don’t like what you are implying Joshua, but no, I wasn’t trying to prove anything or remind myself that I’m Clint’s. It’s already a fact.”
Josh gave me a look that only I knew too well. It was disbelief and disappointment that I was lying to his face.
“Sure Norah. Whatever you say.”
We sat, staring at one another, like two people do when they are at crossroads and they can’t talk about something that they should be talking about. Was this just a case of old feelings resurfacing? Or was it something more? Perhaps I was just overwhelmed by seeing Josh after two months, and this was some weird delayed reaction.
I looked at Josh’s lips which looked red and plump and my mind started to wander again about what those lips could do to me. I snapped my head this time, like I had kicked my conscience, and realized I needed to get Josh out of the apartment. I wasn’t comfortable with what was happening between us, and deep down, I wasn’t sure I could trust myself either. Things were not solid with Clint, and that meant I might not be in the right frame of mind to make the right decisions. I needed to eradicate this situation before it became a situation I couldn’t handle.
“Perhaps you should go Josh. I don’t think I can talk to you after all this.”