as I left, ready to go home and stare at my cell phone for hours, wondering if I should call Duke and try to make sense of something between me and him. Not that there was a future, but at least to settle the past. Was that so much to ask for?
Apparently so, because the second I entered the house, I knew something was wrong.
I saw the bathroom light on Jim’s side of house pouring out into the hall. And I saw something on the floor.
A pill.
I dropped everything and started to run. I spun around into the kitchen and ran through the living toward the bedroom. I did a crazy jump move over the coffee table, my eyes locked to the open door. My heart raced. My mind frantically tried to prepare for the worst. I thought by having Duke talk to Jim it would have helped. Maybe there was a good reason why Duke and Jim never spoke since they came back. Maybe this was why. Maybe I caused Jim to…
I hit the brakes and slammed my shoulder against the doorway. Jim was on the bed, on his left side, right hand tucked under his head, left hand outstretched.
I saw the pill bottle in his hand and I knew it was empty because he had it upside down.
The first thing right then I should have done was call an ambulance. Instead, I reached for my phone. My mind saw Jim and thought of Duke. Not that Duke had any medical training, I just wanted someone to come save me. To come save Jim. To fix all of this goddamn mess.
When Duke picked up, I yelled, “Hurry! Help! I think Jim tried to kill himself again!”
“Jesus Christ!” Duke bellowed. “How? Where is he?”
“The pills.” I stepped into the room. “The bottle is empty. He’s on the bed. I don’t know if he’s sleeping…”
“I’m on my way,” Duke said. “Get him help. I’ll be right there, sweetie.”
The call went dead.
I hesitated for a few seconds before my body kicked in again. My mind screaming Save your brother!
I grabbed the pill bottle out of Jim’s hand and dropped to my knees next to his bed. I did the same as before, jamming my fingers into his neck to check for a pulse. There was a pulse. I inched forward with my knees and opened my mouth to say his name when I felt something crack against my knee.
I inched back and looked down.
I saw a crushed pill, next to my knee.
I got down closer to the floor and saw a whole bunch of pills in the carpet and under the bed. My hands were shaking as I tried to grab them and count them. That was stupid because I had no idea how many pills were actually in the bottle.
I fell back to my ass and grabbed the pill bottle and started to fill it back up.
“Jim?” I called out. “Jim?”
He waved his right hand. His right eye slowly opened a little. “Belle?”
“How many pills did you take?”
He grinned. “Enough.”
I slammed the pill bottle on the nightstand and stood up. “Fuck this. I’m calling the police. And an ambulance. You’re going to go to the hospital, Jim. They’ll pump your stomach and then put you on suicide watch. Is that what you want?”
He groaned and rolled to his back. He forced his eyes open and looked at me. “I didn’t drink. Okay?”
“I don’t give a shit, Jim. How many pills did you take?”
“A couple.”
I shook my head. I had my phone in my hand again. Jim waved his hand at me, grabbing for my wrist. I pulled away and walked toward the bedroom door.
“Please,” Jim said. He started to shake his head. “Please, Belle. I’m not… I won’t die tonight. I just feel numb. No doctors. Belle…” He looked right at me, tears in his eyes. “Why couldn’t I get to Bill faster? I was reaching… and then Duke pulled me out…”
“Shit,” I whispered.
This was the position I constantly faced. Stuck between hell and whatever level was beyond that. Jim couldn’t handle therapy and becoming a joke to what had happened in his life. He was still breathing, sobbing, mumbling words.
I made the risky decision to wait until Duke got there.
I covered my mouth when Jim reached for me and called for our dad. Hearing him moan Dad like he used to do when he first got home tore my heart into pieces. I had to get out of there. I