on the rock. He moved over to make room for her. Now was the time, she thought. If she didn’t ask him now, she did not know if she would ever get up the courage.
“Sorak… there is something I have been meaning to ask you,” she began hesitantly. She did not quite know how to put it into words. It was the first time in her life she had ever felt awkward about expressing any of her feelings.
“I know what you are going to ask,” said Sorak before she could continue. He sat up and faced her. “I have known for quite some time now.”
“And yet, you have said nothing,” she said. Her mouth suddenly felt dry, and there was a tightness in her chest. “Why?”
Sorak looked away. “Because I have been wrestling with it myself,” he said. “I knew this moment would come, and I have dreaded it.”
Ryana felt as if she were teetering on the brink of an abyss. Those last words had said it all. “You need not go on,” she said flatly. She looked away and bit her lower lip, trying to keep it from trembling. “It was just that… I had hoped…”
“Ryana, I do care for you,” Sorak said, “but we can never be anything more to each other than what we are now.” He sighed. “I could accept you as my lover and my mate, but the Guardian could not.”
“But… why? In all the times that I have spoken with the Guardian, he has never indicated any disapproval of me. What is his objection?”
“Ryana…” Sorak said gently, “the Guardian is female.”
She stared at him, thunderstruck by this sudden revelation. “What? But, he never… I mean, you never said…” Her voice trailed off and she shook her head in confusion. “The Guardian is female?”
“Yes.”
“But… how can that be possible?”
“Ryana, I do not know,” said Sorak helplessly. “Even after all these years, there is much about the way I am I do not fully understand. I do not recall my childhood, my infancy that is, before I was cast out into the desert. The high mistress thinks that the Guardian is female because my mother was my first protector. Perhaps after I had been cast out of the tribe, my young mind somehow created a maternal entity to take over that function. But there is no way of knowing for certain how or why it came to pass. It simply happened. The Guardian is female. Nor is she the only one. At least two of my other aspects are also female. For all I know, there may be others I am not even aware of yet. Perhaps the way I have grown up here at the convent had something to do with it. Who knows? After all, I have been surrounded by females all my life. I have never known another male, nor even seen one.”
Ryana felt utterly confused. “But… you are male! How can a part of you be female? It makes no sense!”
“The mistress says we all have male and female aspects,” Sorak replied. “In my case, those aspects have become separate identities. Different people. The body that we share is male, and I, Sorak, am male, but the Guardian was born female. As were Kivara and the Watcher.”
Ryana stared at him in complete bewilderment. “Kivara? The Watcher? Who are they? I know nothing of them! In all these years, you have never even mentioned them before!”
“And I would not have mentioned them now, save that they felt it was important in this current circumstance,” Sorak replied.
Ryana suddenly felt angry. “After all the years we have known each other, after all we have meant to one another… how could you have kept this from me?”
“I could not have kept it from you,” Sorak said, “but they could, and they did.” He brought his hands up to his head and pressed his fingertips against his temples. It was a sign, Ryana knew, that one of his other aspects was trying to emerge, but that Sorak was struggling to retain control. It caused him terrible headaches, and she had not seen such an inner struggle for a long time.
“How can I possibly explain it you?” he said in a tormented voice. “We have known each other for ten years, Ryana, and yet still you do not truly comprehend what it is to be a tribe of one. You simply do not understand. Perhaps you never shall.”
“How can you say that?” she countered, feeling hurt and angry.