event. From what little I know so far, I would say you’ve adjusted remarkably and developed your own methods for coping. What we’re trying to do here is find even healthier methods for you to learn to cope, now that you’re older and have stronger mental facilities.”
She nodded. “Okay, that sounds good.” She took another deep breath.
“Your sister also mentioned that she had worked with you recently to overcome your OCD and you weren’t happy with the results. Would you like to talk about that?”
“Not really.” She bit the inside of her cheek until she tasted blood. She glanced around his office, avoiding his gaze. “You have a lot of plants. I’ve taken up gardening recently. What kinds are they?”
Silence. She tucked the fingers of her hands under her thighs to keep from fidgeting, but finally she couldn’t stand it anymore and looked up at him. He had a kind, soft smile on his face and a very patient look in his eyes. He was just going to sit there and wait for her to answer, wasn’t he?
“I’m guessing you don’t want to talk about your plants, huh?”
“Not during your session, no, but if you’d like to talk about them afterwards, I’d be happy to share my plant knowledge with you. I just don’t think giving you a list of plant names right now would best serve your needs.” Busted. He gave her another soft smile. “Now, why don’t you tell me what happened before.”
“Rachel called it behavior modification. I worked to become a different person, a stronger version of me. She said that by behaving completely different from my norm that it could change my habits. I wasn’t allowed to make lists.”
“Did it work for you?”
She gave a sharp nod of her head and swallowed. “It did, for a while.”
“Then what happened?” he gently prodded.
“I lost control,” she whispered. That ever-present panic swamped her. She wanted a pen and paper in her hand.
“What exactly did you lose control of?”
“Everything in my life.”
“What exactly was everything?”
She swallowed against the tears welling in her eyes. “I met a guy.” Her voice broke and the tears spilled over her cheeks.
“Most people think that’s a good thing. Why don’t you?”
“He was a soldier, an Air Force pilot, who had to deploy. I didn’t know it when he left, but I was pregnant. I was so happy at first, but we’d kept our relationship a secret so I couldn’t tell anyone, but then the baby died and his plane crashed. I lost everything.”
He handed her a box of tissues. “I’m sorry for your loss, Julie, but I need you to answer a few more questions for me.”
“You said the baby died. Was it a miscarriage?”
“Yes, it was an ectopic pregnancy with a rupture. They also had to remove a fallopian tube and I’m sterile now.”
He watched her for a moment. “You’re in the medical field and I know you know this, but it bears repeating. If you had been making your lists during that time, would your baby have lived?”
“No.”
“Could your lists have prevented your boyfriend’s plane crash?”
“No.” She stared down at her lap.
“Your lists didn’t help you control your life. They gave you a false sense of control, Julie, but you can’t control life this way. There are lots of things you can change to affect an outcome in your life, but making a list isn’t one of them. Lists are for making sure that you don’t forget eggs at the grocery store. They won’t help you maintain control of the risks that life entails. If that were the case, we’d all be maniacally making lists all the time.” He paused, letting that soak in for a moment.
She’d known all this, but hearing it spelled out, it made more sense. She’d blamed Rachel’s therapeutic advice for ruining her life, but the overall outcome wouldn’t have changed if she’d still been the old Julie. What would have changed is she never would have found love with Chris in the first place. She wouldn’t have been living.
She hid behind her lists. They kept her from living and feeling the full depth of her emotions. She used them as a barrier against the things in life she couldn’t control by wrapping them around her heart. That wasn’t living. That was hiding. She was stronger than that.
She looked up at Dr. Eckert.
“Does that make sense to you?” he asked.
She nodded. “It does. Why haven’t I ever seen it like that before?”