One Moment Please (Wait With Me #3) - Amy Daws Page 0,97
loud for him but mostly for myself. My eyes well with tears.
He straightens, his face hard. “It’s just how I’m built, Lynsey.”
“I don’t think you used to be that way,” I argue, taking a step closer to him and touching his cheek. “And I know you aren’t this way at the core. I can see you, Josh. I can see your heart. Maybe if you just talked to someone about what’s going on with you, we could be something more.”
“What do I need to talk to anyone about?”
My eyes flare. “Um…for starters, what’s in that letter I found in your desk? That seemed to trigger you.”
He steps back, his entire body going ramrod straight. “I’m not going there. I don’t want you to push me on that, Jones.”
I slice my hands through my hair in complete frustration. “Well, then don’t push me on your proposal. If I’m going to sign up for a loveless marriage, then I need to be sure I’ve given this mess of a situation plenty of thought.”
I stride past him and slam the bathroom door, needing to stop looking into his smoldering, hurt-filled eyes that I miss gazing into every day. Which is completely insane because the man is detached, and he’s broken, yet…I miss him. I miss being what we were together, even if it wasn’t true, undying love.
I swallow the knot in my throat.
Well, crap.
It may very well be for all of those reasons that I actually say yes.
“I’m losing my fucking mind, Max.” I take another sip of whiskey, staring at my friend. He sits at the bar next to me, day drinking with me like a champ. “I need her to say yes. I can’t lose her.”
Max pinches the bridge of his nose. “You should have thought that proposal through then, Josh. Fuck. Why didn’t you talk to me first?”
I grind my teeth. “I didn’t need to talk to you, and I stand by what I did. I’m not going to give her a hearts-and-flowers proposal when this isn’t a hearts-and-flowers relationship.”
Max turns to hit me with a sympathetic look. “And you’re sure you don’t think you could be in love with her? Because that’s all she’s looking for, man.”
My chest swells with a pain that I want to push my finger into until it pops. “I don’t love her, Max. And I don’t want to love her. If I love her, I don’t see clearly. I can’t let my guard down the way I did with Julian, not with her or anybody else—ever again.”
“But Lynsey and this baby aren’t your patients, Josh.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I slam my fist on the bar. “Scary shit happens every day in life, and I need to know that I won’t be blinded by some stupid emotion like I was in Baltimore.”
“That was different, Josh. There was a lot of heavy, complicated shit tied up with Julian’s death.”
“You don’t think loving Lynsey and our baby would be heavy and complicated?” I exclaim, my eyes stinging at the mere thought of giving my heart to them. “Loving them would take away the best parts of me. It would ruin me, Max.”
Max shakes his head. “You think you can actually not admit to loving your own child after you hold it for the first time?”
“It’s not about love, Max,” I reply, taking another sip of my whiskey. “It’s about keeping them safe. I’m going to be there for them in all the ways a father and a husband should be. But I have to compartmentalize them into a safe space for their own protection.”
Max’s face falls, but I’m distracted when my phone pings with a text notification.
Lynsey: Cervix is still measuring at a one. Dr. Lizzy says all is good, and there’s no need to worry.
Me: What? Why didn’t you tell me your appointment was today? You told me it was tomorrow.
Lynsey: I went in early because I have a work thing tomorrow.
Me: Why didn’t you tell me?
Lynsey: Cuz you didn’t need to be there. It was a quick appointment.
Me: Lynsey. I want to be at all the appointments. Every single one.
Lynsey: There are things I want too, Josh. And I’m not getting them.
“Dammit.” I slam my phone down. “She’s pushing me away. She’s going to leave. I can feel it.”
“Then what are you going to do about it?” Max asks, nudging me with his elbow.
“I don’t fucking know but I can’t lose her, Max. Give me some advice. Something useful for a change.”