But the fact is, Jane, that even if I didn't agree you were too young for lip gloss and mascara, I'm the nanny and he's the father. Which means he gets to make the rules and I'm paid to help you follow them."
Something flashed in the girl's eyes. "He pays you to take care of us."
"True." Was that what was bothering her? "I do get a check for taking care of you." She tapped Jane's nose with a gentle fingertip. "But the caring for you and Lee comes from me, free of charge."
Tears welled in Jane's eyes. Kayla froze, then scooted closer to gather the girl close. "What is it?" This didn't feel like making things right. This felt like things going in the wrong direction. "Why are you crying?"
One fat drop spilled down Jane's cheek. "How could you care for us and plan to leave us at the same time?" she accused.
Kayla's face stiffened into a mask. She hadn't known how and when to broach the subject of the Brights' proposal and so had become as dedicated a procrastinator as Jane. How had the word got out? "What exactly are you talking about?"
"The other night...the night before I tried to go to school in Maribeth's clothes, Danielle said she overheard her parents. That they think you'll go to Europe with them and be their nanny."
"Oh. Well." That explained Jane's outburst, she thought, remembering the girl's impassioned Go away and stay there! that had occurred even before her lunch meeting with Patty and Eric Bright. "I hadn't talked to Danielle's parents about that."
"So it's not true?"
Kayla hesitated. She couldn't flat-out lie. "I hadn't talked to them about that yet," she amended. "Since then, they did speak to me about the possibility."
"So are you? Are you leaving us?"
Kayla sighed. "Oh, Jane." Where did this sit on the right-wrong spectrum? She hugged the child tighter to her, running her hand over her hair as she'd done a thousand times before. Her chest ached, brimming with maternal feelings that weren't hers to have.
The children weren't hers.
Their father wasn't hers.
"Don't you love us?" Jane asked, her voice sounding closer to five than eleven.
"Of course I love you," Kayla said. "How could I not love you?" But was assuring the child of that so wise?
Because it all felt so wrong now. She shouldn't have stayed for six years. Six years of wiping tears and spills, of packing lunches and suitcases, of wrapping owies and Christmas gifts...those six years had cemented the family into her heart.
But nothing cemented her to them in return.
"You'll go to college in seven years, Janie," she said, rubbing her cheek against the child's hair. "Lee in ten. How old will I be then?"
Jane sniffed. "Thirty-four when I go. Thirty-seven for Lee. Old!"
"Yeah. Old. Maybe too old for some of the things I want for myself." A husband. Children who belonged to her.
"I want you to stay with us forever," Janie declared, squeezing her tight. "But you won't stay forever," Kayla pointed out. "College, remember? And then you'll have a job and an apartment and maybe a husband and your own kids after that."
Sighing, Jane tucked her head tighter to Kayla. "Sometimes I don't ever want to grow up."
"I know," she said, closing her eyes. "I know the feeling." But she'd been playing house for six years and it was past time for her to grow up, too.
The girl grew heavy against her. "Let's get you back to your bed," she whispered, then half led, half carried the child up to her room, her heart heavier than Jane's slender form.
As if she was still small, Kayla arranged a stuffed menagerie around the girl's drowsy body. Then she leaned down and kissed her on the brow. "Don't let the bed bugs bite."
Jane's hand crept out to clasp Kayla's wrist. "Do you have to go?"
She didn't mean right now. She meant away from them. Her free hand covered Jane's fingers as she searched inside herself for how to put things right. For what was right.
She thought of Ellen Hanson and the promise that she'd made to her just a few days before. She'd promised not to let her children down, and wasn't part of that being a role model for Ellen's offspring? A woman who hung on to hopes and didn't seek what she needed in life - love and family of her own - wasn't a good example for either Lee or Jane. To make things right - for all of them -