Norma Jean - By Amanda Heath Page 0,36

me?” I ask very softly. “Do you have something to say about Norma?”

He looks a little nervous which I admit makes me feel good inside. So he is intimidated by my size? He knows I can take him down. He will find out that I won’t let him talk shit about anyone but me. “I just meant she wasn’t good enough for you. She left you behind didn’t she? You have no idea where she even is. Seems she got it out of her head she was good enough for you.”

I hate to admit that I lost it. It’s not often that I do lose it. All I can say is a red haze takes over my vision and my fists start swinging. I think I got him on his left cheek before Macy’s crying breaks through my haze. I turn towards her and see her hiding her face in Cassie’s chest. I step closer and Cassie takes a step back, a look of pure terror in her face. I can’t even think about that. “It’s okay baby girl.” I soothe. “It was a long time coming, I’m done now. Why don’t you come to me? Hmm?” she peeks up at me with tears shining in her eyes and I hate that she saw that. But I won’t take it back for anything. “As for you dad, keep your mouth shut about Norma. I don’t deserve Norma. She is far above me. Something I won’t ever reach. Unlike you who should have been put down a long time ago.” I huff and stalk towards my mom’s car.

They are all looking at me funny and I have to raise an eyebrow at them. Cassie is the only one who speaks up. “I think that is the most I have heard you say at one time since you were twelve.” She blinks like she doesn’t understand what she just said. I stop to think about it and realize that she is right. After I caught dad, and tormented Norma for a whole year, I didn’t want to speak at all. I think it took me months to even say more than one word answers. I didn’t want to be my dad. Who talks too much, hurts other people, and cheats on his wife. I wanted to be the total opposite, so that is what I became.

I just nod and place Macy into her car seat and strap her in. “You coming?” I question the women standing around, still looking lost.

My mom snaps out of it first and pushes Cassie towards the car. “Yes let’s get going honey.” She kisses me on my cheek and looks at me like she is seeing me for the first time. I really don’t know what that means. And I honestly don’t understand women.

*****

Sometimes I would dream of Norma. She would be standing there in front of me giving me her all knowing smile. Then she would walk away, her ass swaying as she gets further and further away from me. I would run and run to catch up with her, but I would never get any closer, no matter how fast I ran. Then all of a sudden the sunny day we are in, changes to a dark storming night and she is sitting there crying her eyes out in so much pain. It’s more than I can take and I try to reach her, but there is an invisible wall between us. I pound my fist on the wall until my hands are bleeding, but no matter what I do I can’t reach her. She gets up from her seated position in the rain and walks over to me and places her hands on the wall right over mine. She mouths “I’m sorry” over and over again. Then she begins to blow away in the wind piece by piece.

I always wake up screaming her name.

My dorm mate was scared shitless the first time this happened. After a while he got used to it, but after so many times he asked me what the hell I went through to have a dream like that. He said I mumble Norma and Smalls all night long sometimes. I tell him she is the only girl I would ever love and I don’t know where she is. That she never loved me and it was all a game to her.

As time went on the dreams became less frequent and before long I forgot what the hell they were even