of his heart, then how could he not also love Elbereth?
But there remained a nagging question, a nagging doubt, and not one about Danica.
"You would give your life for him," Cadderly replied with all sincerity. "I wish I could claim equal courage."
Danica's smile was not meant to mock him, but he felt it keenly anyway.
"I ran from there," Cadderly pointedly reminded her.
"Not when you were needed," Danica replied. "Neither I nor the elves have forgotten what you did at Syldritch Trea, or in the height of the fight. Tintagel is alive because of you. Shilmista is back in the hands of Elbereth's people because of you."
"But I ran away," Cadderly argued. "Do not doubt that."
Danica's next question, tinged with innocence and honest trepidation, caught the young priest off his guard. "Why did you run?"
She dropped her traveling cloak on the small night table and moved over to sit on Cadderly's bed, and he turned about to look out of his window, over the still-glittering lake in the dying light of day. Cadderly had never asked himself that question so bluntly, had never considered the cause of his distress.
"Because," he said after a moment, then he paused again, the words still not clear in his mind. He heard the bed creak and feared for a moment that Danica was coming to him; he did not want her to see the pain on his face at that moment. The bed creaked again and he realized that she had only shifted and had not risen.
"Too much was spinning about me," he said. "The fighting, the magic, my dilemma over Dorigen's unconscious form and the fear that I did wrong in not killing her, the cries of the dying that would not leave my ears." Cadderly managed a soft chuckle. "And the way you looked at Elbereth."
"All of that would seem cause to remain beside those who love you, not to run away," Danica observed.
"This madness has been mounting for some time," Cad-derly explained, "perhaps even before the evil priest began his assault on the library. Perhaps I have been troubled all of my adult life. That would not surprise me.
"I must face these troubles and get beyond them," he continued, stealing a look at Danica over his shoulder. "I know that now."
"But again . . ," Danica began, but Cadderly, facing the lake again, cut her off with an outstretched palm.
"I could not face them beside you, do you not understand?" he asked, his voice pleading, hoping that she would forgive him. "Back in the library, whenever the many questions threatened to overwhelm me, all I had to do was seek out my Danica, my love. Beside you, watching you, there were no troubles, no unanswerable questions."
He turned to face her squarely, saw the joy emanating from her beautiful face.
"You are not my answer," Cadderly admitted, and he winced as Danica's light went out, a great pain washing through her almond eyes.
"You are not my cure," Cadderly quickly tried to explain, lamenting his initial choice of words. "You are a salve, a temporary relief."
"A plaything?"
"Never!" The word was torn from Cadderly's heart, bursting forth with the soreness that Danica needed to hear.
Chapter Eleven
"When I am with you, then all the world and all of my life is beautiful," Cadderly went on. "In truth, it is not, of course. ShUmista proved that beyond doubt. When I am with you, I can hide behind my love. You, my Danka, have been my mask. Wearing it, I could even hide from the horrors of that continuing battle, I am sure."
"But you could not hide from yourself," Danica put in, beginning to catch on.
Cadderly nodded. "There are troubles in here," he explained, pointing to his heart and then to his head, "that will remain beside me until I can resolve them. Or until they destroy me."
"And you could not face them while your mask was there to hide behind," Danica reasoned. There was no malice in her quiet tones. Honestly sympathetic for Cadderly, she asked softly, "Have you found your answers?"
Cadderly nearly laughed out loud. "I have found more questions," he admitted. "The world has only become more confusing since I delved into myself." He pointed to the Tome of Universal Harmony. "You would hardly believe the sights that book has shown to me, though whether they are true sights or clever deceptions, I cannot tell."
By the way Danica's posture seemed to shrink back from him, Cadderly realized that he had said something revealing. He waited long