spoken rang in my ears, how they now hung inside the Old Ship. There was either a great amount of dishonesty in them, or an overbearing truth, one I wasn’t ready to admit. Four years on.
Four years.
Christ. I’d always presumed stuff with Helen’d work itself out.
‘So, you’re not in love with her?’ Snowy asked.
I shook my head, slowly. ‘No.’
‘Phew,’ Snowy said. ‘’Cause I am.’
The old fella stood, shaking the table and pushing his way past. I tried to work out what Snowy had just said, but caught a glimpse of the old fella pointing a finger towards the Gents’, so I gave him a thumbs up. Me and Snowy watched him shuffle into the loo, the door swinging open, then swinging shut with a slam. It echoed. We couldn’t exactly sit and wait for him to emerge. Nor could we order another pint. Our stomachs wouldn’t be able to cope. So, we returned to face one another.
‘I’m in love with Helen,’ Snowy confirmed.
‘And is she …?’ I asked.
‘She doesn’t have a clue. I’ve never … I wouldn’t ever …’
Snowy pulled off both beanie hats and wiped his whole face. I’d never seen my best mate so serious before. Even when his nan died, Snowy wore a smirk beneath his tears, thinking of the mayhem she was causing up above. But not now.
‘Go on, mate. Hit me,’ Snowy said, bracing himself. ‘Hit me, Jimbo.’
‘Behave. I’m not gonna hit you.’
‘I’m so sorry, mate. But I’ve got to tell her. It’s eating away at me and I need to just, you know, unleash the demon. Get it out there. So I can move on.’
‘Move on?’
‘She’s gonna reject me, right? So, I might as well get it over and done with. Hear her actually say no.’ Snowy flicked away some long, imaginary red hair. ‘“No, Snowy. I don’t want you”.’
‘Good impression.’
‘Thanks, mate.’
The old fella returned and the barmaid brought him a second pint.
‘What are you waiting for then?’ I asked.
‘Your blessing, of course.’
I wished we were in the Pacific Arms. At least I could’ve cleared my head with another pint and a few rounds on the quizzie. I didn’t want to give Snowy my bloody blessing – as if it were my God-given right – to have Helen Gladstone. She wasn’t a puppet with strings controlled by me. She could do whatever she wanted. As could Snowy. As could I. I wasn’t going to be the bastard who tried to own his ex. That was the sort of crap Mikey Farley did, every time, and made a misery out of everyone involved.
Besides, I knew Helen.
Snowy was right. She would say no.
‘You’ve got it,’ I said. My words lay thick between us, hovering.
The tightness across Snowy’s neat face began to slip away, his laughter lines reappearing, his cheeky grin poking out. The bright wet glisten in his eyes lost its balance and a couple of tears ran down his cheek, relief literally pouring out of him. He offered his hand, a formal move between two best mates, so I accepted with a grab rather than a shake. We laughed and pulled each other in, turning the moment into a hearty hug.
‘Take them stupid layers off, you fat bastard,’ I said. ‘And go on. Piss off!’
Snowy stepped away and, shooting a salute to the old fella, galloped to the doors.
Then he stopped, but didn’t turn around, his gaze glued to the frayed leftovers of carpet.
‘Jimbo? What if she says yes?’
A shiver encased me, so cold that I wanted to rip a jumper off Snowy’s back and wrap it around myself like a blanket.
‘Like I said, mate.’ I swallowed. ‘You’ve got me blessing.’
My ma’s on a ward with three other ladies. She’s propped up in bed eating wine gums, picking out the yellow ones and putting them to one side. They’re my favourite and this is something she’s done since I was a kid. Her face is pale, the shock of her fall still fresh in her mind as well as her body, and she’s refused to eat the toast brought to her earlier because she only likes it with that marmalade from the Asda.
An apology from me wasn’t allowed; she slapped my hand, told me to shut up. But I’m still fraught. If my ma had died alone, just like my dad, how could I ever forgive myself? Still, she’s much more interested in where I was last night, wanting to know all the details as if I’m about to reveal an upcoming plotline from Corrie.
‘I