Never Give Up - Heidi Lis Page 0,36
of the guy she adores, knowing I’m in love with him.
As I drift into slumber, I’m being pulled in a different direction. My body jerks, and moans escape my throat. I’m not sure what’s going on with me in my dream until I hear it. It’s faint, but it’s gradually becoming clearer. It’s the cry of a newborn. I know that cry, I’m being pulled back to April 5th exactly four years ago today.
OH GOD, MY MUSCLES ache, and I’m sore. I’m white knuckling the sheets under me with my eyes clenched shut, wishing like hell I had someone with me. The whole time I’m being stitched up I’m silently praying I’ll get through this day with my sanity. I’m desperate to have someone hold my hand, telling me everything will be okay. I wished, but looking around at the sterile glances and less than warm smiles, they don’t comfort me one bit. My body is shaking like a leaf, every tug of the stitches reminds me how split open I was and it damn near has me hyperventilating.
Hearing his cries, I’m frantically trying to get a look at him. They took him right away, acting as if he’s not at all mine. They know he’s being given up for adoption, and I’m strangled with the possibility they may never let me see him. His arms and legs move wildly, every cry escaping his mouth is a dagger piercing my heart. He’s not just a baby, no, this baby is mine. No matter if it’s only for a short time.
With every tear that descends my cheeks, they are filled with joy and pain, each just as strong having to accept what will never be. I’m alone, frightened, and at the moment, having my heart ripped to shreds. Finding out he’s a boy after all this time, hurts a bit more. The idea of knowing Micah has a son unsettles me more. I can picture them together, holding hands, playing ball. Realizing this will never happen, I slowly try to distance my emotions. To survive this alone, I’ll have to try like hell to numb every emotion I know will hit me like a tidal wave.
The moment he tore his way into the world, he made his presence known. He was energetic and lively. A full head of hair from what few glances I had of him. The nursing staff paid little or no attention to me. They just carried on charting his apgar scores, never once pausing to update me on his condition. Unlike most other mothers in the delivery unit, I’ve got no husband, no boyfriend, or even a mom with me.
No, my parents made this decision for me. They went ballistic when I informed them I was indeed pregnant, at sixteen. Repeatedly, they told me I was too young for the responsibility of raising a child alone. No way could I care for a baby when I was a mere child myself. Micah’s leaving, forced my hand to do this by myself. He had left right before I found out. Shocked, surprised and out of my mind scared, I had hoped I could find comfort and understanding, with my parents by my side. Well, I was dead wrong and being an only child, I had no one else. That made me miss my grandparents even more. My grandmother, Faye, she would have stood by my side without question, but my reality was what it was. No close friends, I spent what free time I had with Micah.
No amount of time could have prepared me for, the looks on my parents faces. To say I was a disappointment, well that would have been a notch higher from what they felt right then. With not an ounce of understanding, they informed me my baby will be their dirty little secret. They devised up a plan to not embarrass them further. Not a few days later, they stopped bickering with one another and joined forces to isolate me from my life as I knew it.
They pulled me out of school, home-schooled me, and by the time I was starting to show, they shipped me to my aunt Peggy’s house a mere fifty miles away. They called it a ‘six-month vacation.’ Who the hell were they kidding? This was no six-month vacation! I was isolated to the four walls of my room, sterile white, of course. Most days I hid away watching television or reading books. When my dear aunt returned home