Never Give Up - Heidi Lis Page 0,35

much has happened, and I’m afraid that ship has sailed…long ago.

I agree, it will be harder having him in my life instead of him out of it, but I need to stay strong and remember our lives took different paths for a reason.

I watch him as he slowly opens my door and escapes out closing the door behind him. The minute I hear my door click shut, my tears once again descend. Not a minute later my door re-opens, but a different pair of arms are pulling me against a warm chest. These set of arms, although strong, and inviting, are not the arms I seek. Knowing what is good for you and what your body wants, can be two entirely different things. Moments ago my lips were reminded of what they had missed for so long.

With my eyes clenched tight, I desperately try to hang on to the feelings of Micah’s body pressed against mine. His lips are caressing mine, his hands pressed firmly into my skin, and his soft words whispered into my ear. The internal war to push him away is met with my desire and yearning to wrap myself in him, instead. I want to surrender, every ounce of me as I yearn for the chance to have him take control of my body again. My aching heart, combined with the wetness between my legs, only prove how much I want his hands and mouth on every inch of my body. My dream however, is interrupted.

“Are you okay, El? He didn’t screw with your head, did he?” Nick’s voice is sounding predatory.

A garbled laugh escapes because I was just thinking about Micah screwing with me and it’s exactly what I want. Just not the way Nick is talking about. Oh God, I need to get that idea out of my mind, this minute.

Biting my lip, I try to control my heightened arousal. I need to be alone, and I need Nick to leave, so I can think straight.

Mustering a yawn, I let it linger. “I’m okay, just tired and ready to go to bed. I’m mentally exhausted.”

“Want me to stay with you, tonight? Liza left with him.” He says as hope shines from his eyes.

He says the exact opposite of what I wanted him to say.

Sighing, I realize he’s so upset he can’t even say his name. “You can call him by his name, Nick. It's Micah, and I’m not going to fall apart every time I hear it.” Taking a nice, slow breath, I plead with him. “You go home, I need to be alone.”

Pausing a moment, he finally gets it. “Okay,” he says nodding at me. “I get it, just call me if you need to talk.”

“I will and thank you. Nick, you’ve always been here for me.”

Walking toward the door, he pauses and turns back. “I’ll always be here for you.” He says as if wanting to say more, but he doesn’t. He smiles one last time and walks out.

Finally by myself, I’m suddenly aware how alone I really am. I strip out of my clothes, put on a pair of shorts and a tank, and find my way under my covers. The lights are off, and like every other night, I’m seeking comfort by gazing at the bright, night sky. The moon shadows are like a flash of life, finding home in the depth of the darkness in my life.

I’ve always found comfort in the darkness. In the shadows, my cries go unnoticed. I can fall apart, and no one is the wiser. Over time, I’ve found that I’m most comfortable in the dark. I can mask who I am, and I’m not judged, or frowned upon, I don’t disappoint anyone, either. It’s just me all, alone. Years of being alone, help me guard my heart.

Tonight, I find no comfort in gazing up at the moon. No, tonight I feel stripped, bare and exposed. I’m lost, having no clue how to act around a guy I have loved for so long. How can I watch him in the arms of my friend, and not come unglued? When he touches her, am I going to be able to smile and be okay with it? It’d be pretty damn hard to tell yourself its okay to not want those hands to yourself instead.

While trying to fall asleep, I’m so afraid, because I’ve got no idea what to do. I need a plan. A plan to be happy that my friend is in the arms