loose the damn memory of that fucking kiss. I needed it gone. Well, I needed something.
I’d done just about everything wrong. I walked to the window and stared between the buildings to the almost-hidden blue glint of the lake. I’d fucked up with the way I did things, no doubt there. But I couldn’t just pretend it didn’t happen.
Not now that I knew what Jamie tasted like.
I turned at a noise at the door, and Jamie walked into my office, his head held high. But although his clothes appeared fresh and crease-free, deep shadows marked the space above his cheekbones, and his eyes were red rimmed. He looked as though he hadn’t slept in days, and a pain shot through my chest. I’d caused that.
I opened my mouth to speak, but Jamie beat me to it.
“We should forget about what happened at Toddy’s.” He didn’t meet my gaze but focused on an area of the wall next to the window. “We need to just chalk it up to being in the moment, but that moment is gone, and we should remain professional.”
His voice was cool and robotic, and his words came out flat and rehearsed. Even his movements were stiff as he placed his messenger bag on his small desk space and unpacked his laptop. Everything about him was a perfect study in how to ignore how you felt about someone. Or how to give the impression you had no feelings at all for a guy you just kissed.
Watching his struggle, I wanted to agree with everything he’d just said. I wanted to put him out of his misery and make this part easy for him.
But my lips still tingled from his kiss, and my awareness of him heightened with every moment he stayed in the same room as me.
“I…” I began to talk and finally his blue gaze met mine—briefly and without a hint of emotion in it. I almost flinched at the lack of feeling there. “I can still feel your lips against mine. My lips tingle, and my arms ache to hold you,” I admitted.
It was more than I’d wanted to say, but the words needed to be out there, even if the fear I swallowed tasted bitter at being left so vulnerable and exposed. Out of control. And what was I chasing a one-night stand so hard for? I never took anyone for forever. Most didn’t even get a second night.
Jamie squeezed his eyes shut, and I watched what little color had been in his face drain away.
When he began to speak, his words were quiet and full of pain. “You can’t tell me things like that,” he said. “And if you don’t think you can control yourself, I’ll have to ask for a new mentor.” He swallowed, the sound audible in the quiet.
Tension hummed from him.
“But our specialties match.” My weak protest emerged in an even weaker voice.
I had so many other reasons beyond our specialties, so why had that been the first thought out of my mouth? Simple. Faced with the prospect of losing Jamie completely, I wasn’t thinking.
“Yes,” he agreed and nodded, his eyes still closed. “Yes, they match. And a request would mean a complete reshuffle. Lots of questions from the others because we’d be inconveniencing them. And…and…” His eyelids fluttered open and he looked at me with something not too dissimilar to panic. “And Saint would want to know exactly why.”
And shit. It all made sense. Fuck me. His reaction wasn’t anything to do with me at all. Well, not beyond the fact I was his brother’s friend. He’d spent his entire life bound by the seemingly unbreakable rule of a brother he loved and respected. Maybe he hadn’t ever faced truly breaking it before. Not until I’d steamed in and kissed him like I owned him. A sliver of shame trickled through me, but I couldn’t regret the kiss.
I only regretted my part in making Jamie feel like this.
Saint and his goddamn rule. Fucking stupid, outdated rule. For a moment, I resented my friend. I loved him like the brother I’d never had, and I’d always respect him… but I couldn’t respect this. Looking at Jamie, especially, I couldn’t agree with a rule that tore someone up so much.
But I didn’t have a lot of choice right now. Jamie was still watching me, and I nodded.
“Okay.”
His eyes widened.
“Okay,” I confirmed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I prevented myself from reaching out to grab his hand and adjusted