his face. He averts his eyes for a moment and I give him some time to look back at me. Which he finally does. His light green eyes focus on mine again, and his face reddens just a bit, and he smiles.
“Well,” he says.
“Well.”
We exit the bushes, which is a good idea because no, I’m not gonna have our first time be in the bushes at the zoo. And I can’t help but think about kissing Kevin and how it was just — not this. I didn’t want to. Maybe that’s why the whole thing was so weird. I don’t know. Just thinking about it, and just thinking about seeing him earlier today — well, yesterday by now — makes my chest shiver.
“You okay?” Jordan asks, and I almost laugh, because he’s the one who needs to be asked “Are you okay” in this situation. Not me. I’m pretty sure this kiss is newer to him than it is to me. But instead I just say, “Yeah.”
We grab the step stool and the empty bag and leave our hooligan whatever thing — our artwork, I guess — for the world to see in the morning. We get into the car in silence and it’s nice not to have to talk. To chill and drive through Tempe in the deep night, two dudes who happen to work together, and happen to, I don’t know.
I turn off the lights of my truck and pull up in front of his house. We come to a stop and sit there for a bit, unsure of what to say, I guess.
“I gotta,” he says, and I look at him and smile and he does a Jordan smile approximation, which makes me smile wider, because. He’s so damn Jordan.
“Yeah,” I say, and he nods and throws open the door and sprints toward the front door.
And I drive off, thinking that I’ve just had about the most exciting day of my life, and wondering how it’s gonna play tomorrow in the truck.
I prop myself up on a satin pillow and wrap a celebratory boa around my legs, which feels like the thing to do when you kiss a boy for the first time. Then I have a 2:00 a.m. texting session with Pam and Kayla:
Me: You awake
Kayla: No
Me: That was a trick question, because asleep people can’t text
Kayla: This better be worth it or I will beat your ass
Me: Worth it
Kayla: Worth it how???
Me: We kissed
Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I kissed a boy and I liked it
Kayla: That’s awesome sweetie. Was he a good kisser? I’m guessing yes
Me: How the hell would I know
Kayla: True. Oh no. Were you a bad kisser? You probably were really bad. Did he drop you off at home and drive away? Cause that’s what people do with bad kissers.
Me: (After sending a meme with a teenage girl giving dramatic side-eye) Fuck you bitch
Pam: You know that thing where you’re asleep and your phone keeps vibrating? That shit needs to stop
Kayla: He kissed a boy and he liked it!
Me: I kissed a boy and I liked it
Pam: Okay okay fine but can you shut the fuck up about it until after 9 a.m.?
Me: Sorry
Me: I
Me: Am
Me: Sorry
Kayla: Also me too
Kayla: Sorry
Kayla: So sorry
Pam: K you are both on ignore congrats tho on the kiss he is good for you
Me: Thanks Pam love you like crazy
Pam: K me too hitting ignore now
Me: You still there Kayla
Kayla: Of course because I’m your actual best friend and I care about your feelings
Kayla: She is going to slap me when she reads that in the morning
Kayla: Do you think this is like a thing now? You and Max
Me: I have no idea?!?! How will I know?
Kayla: Guys, esp dude bros are notoriously assholish about hooking up. But Max is better than that. I think?
Kayla: You’ll look in his eyes and just know
Me: Oh my god I have a bf! Maybe?!?! A bf!?!?
Kayla: Love you sweetie. More than Pam obvs
Pam: (After sending a meme with Chucky giving the middle finger) Fuck you bitch
The night of the zoo kiss, I find myself unable to sleep. I am thinking about Jordan’s lips against mine, and how he actually whimpered when they touched, and how real it felt.
It’s amazing. The simple act of kissing with someone I really like can just send me. Like a drug, maybe.
And then there are the times it doesn’t feel like that. At all.
Nausea fills my throat. I’m like, Do I need to vomit? I laugh.