And then, before I could say anything more, she fucking lunged at me, Harvey.
She kissed me.
A real kiss. Her lips on my lips. Her tongue in my mouth, Harvey.
There was a horrible second at first when I thought she was just being mean, and that our friends were about to jump out from behind a tree and start laughing, and my life would instantly be over.
But no one jumped out. All that happened was that she kept kissing me.
She even started kissing me harder, Harvey. She—she leaned over me, sort of pressing me back into the grass, and she put her hand on the back of my neck, and…
I was sure it had to be a dream. I’d gotten drunk and passed out, or something.
But that wasn’t it at all. This was real.
I’ve been getting crushes on girls since before I was old enough to know what the word “crush” meant, but it was only tonight that I realized there could be another girl like me right here in Ocean Valley, California.
My thoughts in that moment were racing so fast I couldn’t keep track of them, but I knew one thing for sure:
This was the best day of my life. Finally, things were getting better instead of worse.
Is that what falling in love is like, Harvey? Sorry, I know that’s a cheesy question, but I saw a picture of you with your arm around a man. You’re in love with him, right? Was this how you felt the first time you kissed him? As if your life would never be the same?
Because after Carolyn and I started kissing, for the first time in months, I didn’t feel tired or lonely at all. I was floating in space, with the real world nowhere in sight.
I would’ve kept kissing her forever, but after another minute Carolyn pulled back and sort of hovered over me and whispered, “Well, I guess now we know exactly how stupid girls can get when there aren’t any guys around.”
I laughed, and she did, too. At first I didn’t understand why she’d said that, but now I see that she was being nice. She was giving me a way to back out, if I wanted to.
I didn’t want to. So I propped myself up on my elbows and put my hand on the back of her neck and kissed her again.
She kissed me back, and that was how I knew she didn’t want to back out, either.
I’ve kissed boys before, but that was never real. This was.
I’m not alone anymore, Harvey.
Maybe Carolyn and I can leave here someday. We could go to L.A., or all the way to San Francisco.
We could meet other lesbians. Make friends with them. We could be normal, Harvey.
Up until tonight, getting Sharon’s letters was all I had to look forward to, but now I’ve got something more. Someone here. Someone I can touch.
First, you got elected, Harvey, and now this.
God, I’m falling over at my desk, I’m so tired. I need to go to bed. I have school tomorrow…and Carolyn will be there.
It’s the first time in so long that I’m not going to bed angry. Nothing could ever wipe this grin off my face.
Peace & love, Tammy
Saturday, November 12, 1977
Dear Diary,
Um.
Something’s strange. Really, really strange.
At first I thought it was a prank, but that doesn’t make sense. There’s only one explanation that does.
It’s that the letter I got today is…real.
I went to the mailbox first this afternoon, the way I do every day I’m expecting a letter from Tammy, and I got one. I opened the envelope—it was thicker than usual, so I was hoping for a long letter, the kind she used to send—but it was…different.
The pages were wrinkled and stained, as if they’d gotten wet and then dried off. The first page was a short pen pal letter, where