Murder_ A Sinful Secrets Romance - Ella James Page 0,134

I started,” I say hoarsely. “I went there and…it was something I could do. I liked knowing I had something in my hand that could end a life.” My voice goes hollow on the last word. When I get the nerve to look down at her, I’m stunned to find her eyes are pools of compassion.

“That makes sense,” she says softly.

I wanted to die. I never really realized until now, but that’s why I joined up, I think. Not because I was a good shot. Because I had to go somewhere, and there was nowhere else, and it made sense. “I left, like he wanted.”

“Yeah?”

“I liked the risks.” I chuckle dryly. I take a deep pull from my water bottle. “I’m glad I didn’t carry you up here like I thought about doing.”

“I wish I could carry you.” Her hand squeezes mine as the mossy boulder comes into view.

I feel raw inside. Like someone peeled a scab off.

“So your dad wanted you to leave?” she asks, and I can hear her hesitance. She’s probably nervous about keeping the conversation going, but I want to. For some reason, I need to tell her.

“I didn’t do well after…Mom. All I wanted to do was watch the twins or go to the range—the gun range. Robert wanted them to have a nanny. He made me move out into my own place while I finished school.”

“High school?”

I nod, looking into her wide eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Her fingers stroke mine. “I just…”

“What?” The leaves crunch as we near the boulder.

“I don’t think I like your dad. Making you move out...” She shakes her head. “If I ever find a time machine, I’m coming, okay?”

I smirk. “Okay.” I kiss the top of her head, and we close the distance to the rock. It’s dappled with sunlight, covered with a smattering of leaves. From side to side, it’s about the size of a sedan, a giant, dark gray, volcanic-looking rock with greenish splotches.

“I bet you didn’t go home very much on leave,” she says as I climb up onto the rock and hold a hand out for her.

I shake my head. I can’t quite swallow. There’s this memory I have of the boys when I moved out… The way they cried. And then I never really came back…

Fuck.

Gwen sits cross-legged on the rock and pats her lap.

I frown, smiling a little in confusion even though my chest and throat feel like they’re on fire.

“Lay down for a minute. I’ll play with your hair.”

I’m not surprised that Gwenna knows exactly what I need. I lay my head in her lap and wrap my arms around her waist.

His body feels so limp and heavy, I think he must have nodded off. I keep up the rhythm of my fingers in his hair. I have to use my fingertips to say how very sorry I am—because I don’t know the right words.

Even now, so many years later, I can see the raw pain in his eyes as he talks about his mom. The way he looked eviscerated when I made my dumb comment about how I figured he must not have ever gone back home. I think back to the way he said he liked shooting a gun, because it could end a life. His mother’s life? His life?

God, baby…

I drag my fingernails gently along the nape of his neck and I wonder how long it’s been since he had a girlfriend. Someone to do things like this for him. I’m having a rough time leaving him to struggle on his own at night, so I just want to love on him as much as I can during the day.

I hope he is asleep and he can’t feel the tension in my body. How much I want to find his dad and kick him in the balls for making younger Barrett live alone when all he wanted was to huddle with his little brothers and try to heal.

What’s wrong with people? Why are they so bad? I’m so lost in my own thoughts, when Barrett’s voice cuts through the quiet morning, I jump.

“Tell me about you, Piglet.”

I blink down into his blue eyes, calm and solemn. I can’t help smiling at what seems to be my new nickname. “The piglet and the bear. Are we Winnie the Pooh?”

He smirks. “That was a favorite.”

“Was it?”

His hand strokes my side as he nods. God, he’s handsome. That little smirk. Even a sad smirk…

I sift through his silky curls. “What do you want to