but you know that, don’t you?’
‘Enough! Today wasn’t about cancer and all the better for it. Now run to your car, it’s freezing.’
I do her bidding, as per, stopping to wave as I get in. Today’s been one of the happiest times I’ve had in ages, and yet I find the ridiculous tears are rising up through me yet again. I’m swollen up with emotion, all kinds of versions of love – real and imaginary – swirling around inside me. Driving through Oval, I force myself to grip up, remembering how close I came to a drink-driving rap back in January. Well, quite close, if Ali hadn’t been the nicest policeman you could possibly be stopped by. And quite possibly the cutest.
I pull up outside our squat little house about eight, noticing that all the lights are off. Of course, Alice is on counselling duty with Jenna, who’s suffered yet another brutal break-up – let’s hope the pub doesn’t run out of wine before she’s finished. I slam the door of the car, slightly spooked by a car that’s parked at the end of the path with a light on. I hurry towards the door, digging my keys out of my bag as I go.
‘Lulu.’
Oh my God: it’s Charles.
Chapter Sixteen
A bolt of shock runs through me. Have I conjured him up by directing so much mental energy in his direction?
‘What are you doing here?’
‘I found your address on the unit list. Thank God it’s you,’ he says with a sheepish grin. ‘I’m sure I’m the last person your sister would want to see on the doorstep.’
I’m consumed by equal measures of love and rage. Of course, part of me’s thrilled he’s here, but I’m also furious that he’s dragging out a situation which is almost certainly hopeless. I’m not going to be some chew toy that he intermittently uses to distract himself from the nagging pain of love gone sour.
‘What makes you think you’re not the last person I want to see on the doorstep?’
At which point he grabs me, gathering us up into an enormous snog. I melt, of course I do, but then I yank myself out of his encircling arms.
‘Don’t do that!’
‘I’m sorry, Lulu, it’s a Pavlovian response to your general gorgeousness. But you’re right, I shouldn’t.’ I glower at him, trying to hate him and failing dismally. ‘Can I please have five minutes with you in the warm? I promise you can kick me out after that.’
I jerk my head towards the door, unlocking it. He follows me through to the kitchen.
‘Cup of tea? Glass of wine? Orange squash?’ I ask sarcastically.
He’s fiddling with his phone, shifting from foot to foot. There’s a real nervous tension there, which is making me feel even more stressed than I would anyway.
‘Squash sounds delightful,’ he replies, ‘but if you’ve got some wine open I’ll go with that.’
I pour a couple of glasses, then head for the living room. If Alice comes back, I’m a dead woman walking: thank God Jenna’s monologues last a minimum of twelve hours. I need to keep my defences up at all costs (a strategy that’s gone well thus far, I’m sure you’ll agree).
‘What do you actually want, Charles?’ He goes to speak, but I tumble on. ‘I know, I know, you want to talk. But what’s there to talk about? It’s done, it’s gruesomely painful, but it’s done.’
Of course, part of me hopes it isn’t, but I have absolutely no right to ask for the near impossible. Charles puts a hand out towards me.
‘Lulu, Lulu, I know. It’s complete torture for me too and I’m desperately sorry for how thoughtless I’ve been. I should never have put you in this position.’
‘Oh, save it. The best thing you can do now is – is…’ I find myself leaning towards his open arms, desperate for comfort. He reaches out, holding my wet face against his chest. ‘The best thing you can do is give me some space to try and get over you.’
‘I know, I know I should,’ he whispers into my hair. ‘But I can’t seem to manage it. I can’t stop thinking about being with you, having you in my life properly.’
I freeze, flooded with excitement for the brief second before I remember the devastating implications.
‘You hardly know me, Charles.’ I can’t look at him. If I look at him he’ll be able to read how I really feel in a heartbeat.
‘That’s not true, you know it’s not.’
‘Don’t start talking like that if you