that if only I’d turned up late instead of early that night, or if I’d gone for a walk around the block like Jamie told me to, the accident wouldn’t have happened.’
He’d been torturing himself with that too? Now Ellie was the one overcome with guilt. She reached across the table and took his hand. ‘Oh, Todd, I miss him too. But it wasn’t your fault.’ She squeezed his fingers to show she meant it and saw the beginnings of relief on his face. ‘It really wasn’t. And I’m not going to be a cow anymore, I promise.’
Their first course arrived and the atmosphere relaxed. Now that she’d confessed to having wanted him dead and Todd had forgiven her for it, the tension between them miraculously melted away. The food was delicious but they were too busy catching up to do it proper justice. Todd told her about life in Massachusetts and demonstrated his Boston accent, which made him sound like the confused love-child of Loyd Grossman and Dick Van Dyke. Although working there had been interesting, he’d only transferred in an effort to escape his grief. But that hadn’t been the answer and now he was back, ready to resume his London life, albeit this time without Jamie in it.
Then it was Ellie’s turn to tell him about Tony’s shock when he’d visited the Hammersmith flat, and his decision to buy the place in Nevis Street. ‘I feel guilty that I’m living somewhere so nice, all because Jamie died.’ She hadn’t actually admitted this to anyone before; it must be how people felt when they collected life insurance and discovered they could now afford a luxury holiday.
‘Tony did it because he wanted to. I bet it’s made him feel better,’ said Todd.
Maybe. Actually, she knew it was true. Their main courses arrived and Ellie described how trapped she’d felt at Brace House. ‘People were nicer to me than I deserved. I just never felt normal. It was like walking around with WIDOW spray-painted across my forehead. So from this Monday it’s a new job, a new boss, and a fresh start.’
They carried on eating and talking. She told Todd about Roo. In return he relayed how embarrassing it was, as a Brit in the States, to get into a tricky situation as a result of misunderstanding the meaning of the word pants.
Their wine glasses were refilled.
‘Do I look older?’ Ellie leaned closer, lifting her chin so he could see her better.
‘No.’ He smiled. ‘You’re exactly the same. Why?’
‘Because you look older. Sorry.’ She pulled a face. ‘Maybe it’s the haircut. You look… more like a grown-up.’
‘I am more like a grown-up. I’m more mature. I’ve even given up watching SpongeBob SquarePants.’
Encouraged by this flash of his old humor, Ellie said playfully, ‘So how about the girls in Boston? Meet any good ones? Meet any deranged enough to go out with you?’
‘Honestly? More than you’d think.’ Todd grimaced. ‘More than I was expecting, that’s for sure. It’s the British accent apparently. They’re mad for it. They think we’re all dead posh.’
‘So you’re telling me you were inundated with offers.’ Of course he had been; Todd was a catch. With his winning smile and cheery, laid-back attitude, what girl wouldn’t be attracted to him?
‘With offers.’ He nodded, holding back.
‘What does that mean?’
‘You want the truth? OK, I went out with one girl. For a few weeks. She was… fine. Nothing wrong with her. But I just couldn’t let myself get involved. Because I felt guilty. It wasn’t fair that I could still be doing all that stuff when Jamie couldn’t.’ Todd shrugged and said simply, ‘So I didn’t.’
‘Do the stuff?’
‘That’s right.’
‘You mean have the sex?’
‘Spot on.’
‘What, you didn’t even try?’
‘Didn’t want to try.’
‘And how did the girl feel about that?’
‘She was devastated, thought it was all her fault. Then when I told her about Jamie she thought maybe I was gay.’ Todd took a drink. ‘So I had to explain that I wasn’t. And after that I was a challenge. Girls were falling over themselves to seduce me. And the harder they tried, the more I backed off. Talk about weird.’ He shook his head. ‘I’ve never been so popular. Bloody typical that I didn’t get to take advantage of it. I bet Jamie was up there laughing his head off.’
How had she kept her distance from Todd for so long? He’d loved Jamie just as much as she had. Ellie said, ‘I bet he was too.’