live to regret that,’ said Ellie. ‘I’m going to be ordering the most expensive wine on the list.’ She hung up and looked at Todd. ‘He’s not coming. I can’t believe he’s done this.’
Todd eyed her with caution. ‘So what happens now?’
‘I don’t know.’ Ellie closed her eyes for a second, hating the fact that she’d been set up. This wasn’t a situation she wanted to be in. The last time it had happened had been during Jamie’s funeral, when all she’d wanted to do was escape from the church and run and run. That hadn’t been an option then, but it was now. If she really wanted, she could just walk out of here…
‘What’s that noise?’ Todd looked incredulous. ‘Is that your stomach?’
Stupid stomach, it was rumbling again like a cement mixer. She deliberately hadn’t had any breakfast. ‘I think I’m going to go home,’ said Ellie.
‘What did Tony say on the phone?’
‘He wants me to have lunch with you.’
Todd said steadily, ‘Why don’t you want to?’
Ellie’s toes curled. ‘I just… just…’
‘Hello!’ The head waiter smilingly approached them. ‘Your table’s ready if you’d like to come through.’
Todd raised his hand. ‘Actually, hang on, there may be a change of plan.’
OK, this was stupid. Todd was looking at her. The head waiter was waiting. The couple standing beside the bar were watching and listening…
Grrrrrowwwlllllll.
For crying out loud, had they heard that too? Had everyone in the restaurant heard it?
‘Fine.’ Ellie pressed her hand over her rumbling stomach in a futile attempt to muffle it. ‘Let’s eat.’
For the first five minutes they concentrated on the menu. Finally, when she’d learned it by heart and couldn’t stare at it a moment longer, Ellie said with a sigh, ‘Sorry.’
‘That’s OK.’ Todd put down his own menu. ‘Sorry about what?’
‘You know. Everything.’ A huge lump grew in her throat and she gazed down at the cutlery. ‘Today. The emails. Not wanting to see you. All of it.’
‘Do you know why you felt like that?’
‘Because I’m a horrible person.’
He shook his head. ‘Come on. You’re not.’
‘I am.’ The lump in her throat was expanding and the pretty waitress was coming over to take their order. Pushing back her chair, Ellie said hurriedly, ‘I’ll have the duck terrine and the risotto. Just give me a moment…’
She clattered downstairs for the second time, locked herself in a toilet cubicle, and wept silently until the other female customer left the bathroom and she could let out a series of honking great sobs in peace. It was a noisy, messy, undignified business, and it went on for some time, but there was no hope of stopping it. Like a toddler’s out-of-control tantrum, it just had to burn itself out.
God, what a state. Ellie eventually confronted her reflection in the mirror and winced. Puffy eyes and blotchy cheeks, just like old times. She hadn’t looked this bad in months. Rummaging in her bag, she found her all-in-one compact and trusty lip gloss.
OK, still moderately scary, but it would have to do. If she’d known this was going to happen beforehand, she’d have packed her mascara.
‘No need to say it,’ she told Todd, resuming her seat at the table. ‘I know.’
‘Sorry.’ He looked awkward.
‘Don’t be. It was just a bit overdue, that’s all. Anyway, I’m feeling better now. Did you order?’
Todd nodded.
She glanced around the restaurant, saw hastily averted eyes. ‘People are pretending not to look at me. I bet they’re trying to work out what’s going on over here.’
He managed a brief smile.
Ellie drank some water. It was no good, she had to say it. ‘Can I tell you why I’m a horrible person?’
‘Let me guess. Jamie’s gone and I’m still here. If one of us had to die, you wish it could have been me.’
Oh God. He knew.
‘Yes.’ Shamed, she nodded, her knees pressed tightly together beneath the table.
‘Ell, you think I hadn’t worked that out? From day one?’
‘Sorry. I tried not to.’ She felt like a wrung-out flannel. ‘But I couldn’t help it.’
‘And there was me, feeling guilty because I was still alive. Because why should I be? It’s not a good feeling,’ said Todd. ‘I knew I wasn’t better than Jamie. I didn’t deserve to be the one who was saved. I’ve asked myself that question a million times. Why me?’ His eyes were pain-filled, reflecting his anguish. ‘And the thing is, there’s no answer. So the guilt never goes away. My best friend isn’t here anymore and I miss him so much… and I still think