ripped off the wrap. Then I searched the kitchen cupboards for sugar. I didn’t have any, but I did have packets of Splenda.
I kneeled down on the kitchen floor with the cream cheese and emptied out a few packets of the Splenda onto the big hunk. With my fingers, I scooped out chunks. I thought about kneading the chunks into shapes, like the putty at Dr. Mahjoub’s office. Could I shape a woman out of cream cheese, say a prayer, and she would appear before me? Could I conjure Miriam out of dairy? I thought about singing “Etz Chayim.” Instead, I said, “Amen,” out loud and stuck the chunks in my mouth, one after the other, like I was taking the wafer—only Jewish. Miriam wasn’t coming. It was over between us. I was on my knees. I was alone, but I still felt watched.
CHAPTER 75
On Monday morning, as I headed to the office, I got a series of texts from Jace.
Yo can you call me?
Call me when u can
Call me
Did he understand that I had to work? Not all of us got paid to be in a post-apocalyptic coma.
When I got to my desk, there was a note on my computer from Ofer. The note said: Rachel, come see me immediately.
I stepped into Ofer’s office, and he motioned that I should sit down. Then he got up, slammed his door shut, and began pacing around my chair.
“I just want to know,” he said. “How little respect do you have for me?”
“I don’t have little respect for you,” I said.
“And how little respect do you have for what I’ve built? This family. Our office culture.”
“I’m not sure what you’re getting at,” I said.
I was afraid I knew exactly what he was getting at.
“Don’t fuck with me, Rachel!” he yelled. “Do you know how lucky you are? You could be working at Management180, where the only company values are packaging deals and agent reciprocity! You could be in a mailroom somewhere!”
A little fleck of spit flew from his mouth onto my hand. I wiped it on the sofa.
“Jace told me what happened,” he said.
My stomach dropped. I knew then that I was fucked.
“You are terminated immediately, in breach of contract,” said Ofer.
“But—”
“It’s an ethics violation, no severance. You’ve completely disappointed me.”
“Wait,” I said. “You don’t even want to hear my side of the story?”
The truth was, I didn’t really have a side of the story. I had fucked Jace, and it was a breach of contract. I wondered what Jace’s contract stipulated. He was probably allowed to fuck all of us. Of course, he wasn’t going to get in any trouble.
“You have half an hour to get your things and go.”
I felt humiliated. Tears filled my eyes. I stood up to leave.
“I really believed in your vision,” said Ofer.
Then I almost laughed. What vision was it, exactly, that he had believed in? I hadn’t even had a vision!
I wanted to say, Way to uphold a hegemonic power structure within the matrix of fame privilege and the feminization of poverty, Ofer.
Instead, I said, “I’m sorry.”
CHAPTER 76
I called Jace from inside a stall in the office bathroom. He picked up his phone on the first ring.
“Asshole!” I said. “You must’ve known I would lose my job.”
“Rachel. I can explain.”
“You’re worse than TMZ.”
“Listen to me,” he said. “When Ofer called, it was like eight this morning. I’d just woken up. I thought he was calling about the commercial I’m doing for American Express. I break character to charge a Taser—anyway, he asked me flat-out if we had slept together.”
“He called you to ask if we slept together?”
“Yes! I was confused. I panicked. I figured you’d told him and that I was in trouble. So I told the truth.”
“Why would I tell him we slept together?”
“I don’t know. But he knew, so I just figured. Then, after I said yes, he said he hadn’t talked to you yet and I was like, Oh, shit.”
“So some member of your asshole posse spilled the beans.”
“No! I didn’t tell anyone.”
I wasn’t sure whether to be insulted by his discretion or grateful for it. But I knew he was telling the truth. First of all, he wasn’t that good of an actor. It was me who had been the dishonest one. I’d used him to elevate my status in the eyes of strangers, to prove to Ana that I was desirable. I’d gossiped to her about fucking him.
Then I realized. It was Ana who had told Ofer.
CHAPTER 77
Ana was on