Midnight Sun (The Twilight Saga #5) - Stephenie Meyer Page 0,136

slow days indoors, but that was such a negligible price, it was barely worth noting.

“I’d have to do some research. Most of the fancy schools are in the snow zone.” She grinned. “I wonder what colleges in Hawaii are like?”

“Lovely, I’m sure. And after school? What then?” I realized how important it was for me to know her plans for the future. So I didn’t derail them. So I could shape this unlikely future into the best version to suit her.

“Something with books. I always thought I would teach like—well, not exactly like my mom. If I could… I’d like to teach on a college level somewhere—probably a community college. Elective English classes—so that everyone who’s signed up is there because they want to be.”

“Is that what you’ve always wanted?”

She shrugged. “Mostly. I once thought of working for a publisher—as an editor or something.” Her nose wrinkled. “I did some research. It’s a lot easier to get a job as a teacher. Much more practical.”

Her dreams all had clipped wings—not like those of the usual teenager off to conquer the world. Obviously a product of facing realities long before she should have had to.

She took a bite of her bagel, chewing thoughtfully. I wondered if she was still thinking of the future, or something else. I wondered whether she saw any glimpse of me in that future.

My mind strayed to tomorrow. It should have thrilled me—the idea of a whole day with her. So much time. But I could only think of the moment when she would see what I really was. When I could no longer hide behind my human façade. I tried to imagine her response, and though I was so often wrong when trying to predict her feelings, I knew it could only go two ways. The only valid reaction besides revulsion would be terror.

I wanted to believe that there was a third possibility. That she would forgive what I was as she had done so often in the past. That she would accept me despite everything. But I couldn’t picture it.

Would I have the nerve to keep my promise? Could I live with myself if I hid this from her?

I thought of the first time I’d seen Carlisle in the sun. I was very young then, still obsessed with blood over anything else, but that sight had caught my attention the way little else had. Though I trusted Carlisle utterly, though I’d already begun to love him, I felt fear. It was all too impossible, too alien. The instinct to defend myself was triggered, and it was several long moments before his calm and reassuring thoughts could have any effect on me. Eventually he talked me into stepping forward myself, to see that the phenomenon did no harm.

And I remembered seeing myself in the brilliant morning light and realizing—more profoundly than I ever had thus far—that I had no relationship at all to my former self. That I was not human.

But it wasn’t fair to hide myself from her. It was a lie of omission.

I tried to see her with me in the meadow, what the picture would look like if I weren’t a monster. It was such a beautiful, peaceful place. How I wished she could enjoy it with me still there.

Edward, Alice thought urgently, a hint of panic in her tone that froze me in place.

Suddenly, I was caught up in one of Alice’s visions, staring into a bright circle of sunlight. Disorienting, because I’d just been imagining myself and Bella there—the little meadow where no one ever went besides me—so I wasn’t sure at first that I was seeing inside Alice’s mind and not my own.

But it was different from my own picture—future, not past. Bella stared at me, rainbows dancing across her face, her eyes fathomless. So I was brave enough.

It’s the same place, Alice thought, her mind full of a horror that did not match the vision. Tension, perhaps, but horror? What did she mean, the same place?

And then I saw it.

Edward! Alice protested shrilly. I love her, Edward!

But she didn’t love Bella the way I did. Her vision was preposterous. Wrong. She was blinded somehow, seeing impossibilities. Lies.

Not even a half a second had passed. Bella was still chewing, thinking about some mystery I would never know. She wouldn’t have seen the quick flash of dread across my face.

It was just an old vision. No longer valid. Everything had changed since then.

Edward, we have to talk.

There was nothing for Alice