Midnight Caller - By Diane Burke Page 0,64

was being without her caused him more pain than he had ever known.

She remained just inside the doorway. “I heard they’re letting you out of here tomorrow.”

“That’s what they tell me.”

“Good, I’m glad.” She ducked her head and shuffled her feet.

Silence loomed between them.

“Look, Erin…”

“Don’t.” She raised her hand in a halting motion. “Don’t say anything. Please. Just listen. I’m sorry.” Her voice was a mere whisper and he strained to hear her. “I’m so sorry.”

His mind leaped up and down for joy, but still he couldn’t move. It wasn’t pride cementing his feet to the floor. It was fear of doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong words and scaring her away.

“I should have been here with you. What I did was cowardly…and cruel.” Her eyes seemed to plead with him for understanding. “Everybody thinks I’m this strong, levelheaded woman who has total control over her life. But I’m a fraud. I don’t have any control over anything and it scares me.” She took a deep breath and then said, “When you were shot…”

She sniffed and struggled for control. Her green eyes pooled with tears and it was almost his undoing. Every bone in his body wanted to rush to her side, but he seemed frozen in place.

“I ran away from you because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. But that’s the irony of it all, isn’t it? If I cut you out of my life, if I can’t see you and hold you and talk with you, then I’ve already lost you.” She took a step toward him. “It took me a while to think things through. Tess likes to say it’s the stubborn Irish side of me. Maybe she’s right.” She shrugged. “But that’s all I’ve been doing for the past five days. Thinking and praying.”

He started to cross toward her, and again she raised her hand. “No, Tony. Please. There’s so much more I need to say. And if you come any closer…” Her smile touched his heart. “I might not get it all out.”

Patience. Don’t blow it now. He waited.

Erin lowered her eyes. “My parents had an ongoing battle they called a marriage. Their anger and hatred became as viable as a fourth person occupying our home. There’d be long stretches of ice-cold silence followed by bitter outbursts of rage.

“I always believed my father’s job caused their unhappiness,” she said. “Then when my husband divorced me after we found out about Jack’s cerebral palsy, I didn’t have a high regard for marriage to cops. Or, truthfully, marriage in general.”

Erin shuddered at the memories and, suddenly, he understood how difficult it had been for her to have taken a chance with him at all.

“I was certain I would never allow myself to get into a relationship again…with anyone. It’s just too hard.” Erin looked up and her gaze locked with his.

Tony’s stomach sunk to the floor like a lead ball. How could he blame her? Wasn’t he a living example of her worst nightmare?

“I was wrong.” Her eyes pooled with tears.

“Dennis left because he was shallow, irresponsible and selfish. And I lost my father to a drug dealer he pulled over for speeding. He had pulled over thousands of speeders in his twenty-nine years on the force. My father died because it was his time to die. People die every day. They die on the job, in accidents, from illness, old age. If I live my life afraid to love someone because they might die…or because they might leave…I’m going to live a lonely, empty life.”

Erin twisted her hands, but otherwise, she stood straight, shoulders back, facing him with strength and courage.

“It took me time to come to grips with loss. And lots of prayer to try and sort out my feelings.” She looked up at him, the tears gone. “I didn’t want my marriage to fail. I didn’t want to lose my father. I didn’t want to lose Carol. But I did.” She wrapped her arms around herself.

“I realize those pieces of my heart are gone and can never be replaced. But I also realize the only way to protect my heart from the pain of loss is to never love.” Her smile filled the room like sunshine coming out from behind a dark cloud. “And to never love…is the worst kind of death. God knows how important it is to love. He made it one of His greatest commandments.”

She looked vulnerable but determined. “I came here to tell you I’m sorry.” She