Tanner’s wine cellar. Had we drank our way out of it? And how did he have a wine cellar? There were no basements in penthouses.
“Yes, the plan.” Tanner abandoned his sausage and stood up. He pulled a cloth off a whiteboard that was filled with pictures and yarn connecting them and I was pretty sure there were even words in a different language linking everything together. Chinese maybe?
I opened my mouth and then closed it again. “What the hell is all this?”
“Our plan to take down Richard of course. We spent all night on it.”
“Did we? Could you maybe just explain what it means to me? I can’t read whatever that is.”
“Oh it says…” Tanner started coughing. “I mean. Huh. I don’t know. What language is that? Maybe Nigel came in here and messed with it. I’m pretty sure he speaks whatever tongue that is. That sneaky little bastard. I told him to stop touching my things. Let’s circle back to this tonight.” He quickly covered the weird diagram back up.
“I can’t tonight. I have dinner plans with Penny, remember?”
“Right, I mean after that.”
“I have a feeling this headache isn’t going away any time soon. I’m just going to call it an early night after hanging out with Penny.”
“Right. Here.”
“No, at my house.”
“Matt, we talked about this last night. You’ll be staying here until this nonsense with Richard is sorted. Sleeping at your own home is like being asked to be murdered by a hitwoman. Trust me, this is for the best.”
“I can’t stay here…”
“Of course you can. It’s no bother. And Nigel rather likes when you’re around.”
I looked around to make sure Nigel wasn’t nearby. “Yeah, about that. Why the heck won’t he leave me alone?”
“You’re engaging with him too much. He’s a houseboy, not a friend. Just think of him like a piece of furniture. He’s there to assist when needed but invisible when not.”
“But he keeps talking to me. And trying to see me naked.”
Tanner laughed. “No, no. The stripping you thing was a prank I was playing on you. I just made him do it.”
I sighed. “That doesn’t explain him wanting to draw me a bath.”
“Were you planning on standing there nude while he did it? That’s not appropriate.”
Oh. Well. No. “Well, what about him offering to help dress me?”
“Did he do that?”
“Yeah.”
“Surely he meant for you to put on your underwear first.”
“I don’t know, he was staring at my penis earlier.”
“Why did you have your penis out in front of Nigel?”
“Because you told him to strip me last night!”
“Oh right.” Tanner laughed. “Hilarious. Well, please stop flashing the staff, will you?”
“Tanner…”
“I’m joking. I’ll speak to Nigel on your behalf and tell him you’re uncomfortable…”
“Don’t tell him I complained.” Nigel was already awkward enough around me. I didn’t need awkward angry Nigel.
“Then what am I supposed to say to rectify the situation? He doesn’t dress me and I rarely require him to draw a bath. As soon as I mention the situation he’ll know it’s about you.”
“Just don’t say anything then.”
“Very well.” Tanner glanced at his watch. “You should get going or you’ll be late for work. Do you want a bag lunch? Nigel mentioned packing one up for you.”
“I’m okay.”
“Well make sure to eat lunch. You need to make sure you’re alert just in case someone tries to murder you.” Tanner loaded up a plate and stood up. A biscuit fell off the top of the plate and rolled on the polished hardwood floors.
“Aren’t you going to work too?” I asked.
“I have company to attend to. Now don’t forget to drink that juice before you head out. Trust me. It’ll make your headache evaporate in a flash. I’ll see you tonight.” He disappeared down the hall with his big plate of food.
I stood up and took a quick sip of the green juice, expecting it to be bitter and gross like green juice usually was. But it was actually delicious. It tasted just like a strawberry banana smoothie. I wondered if those were the two secret ingredients. If they were, my headache wouldn’t be gone in a flash like promised. I quickly downed the rest. Before I even put the glass down I took a deep breath. What the hell? I touched my forehead. My headache was gone. I blinked. Actually, I felt amazing. Like I’d just slept for days instead of a few hours. I eyed the glass. I was going to need that recipe. But not if it involved asking Nigel for it.