taking-not being given. He ripped the skirt off my waist until I stood naked before him. Like a maniac, he removed his own clothes and placed himself under the light, I suppose so that I might stand in awe of his naked. ness.
"He grabbed me by the hair and forced me to my knees... to his waist.
and I was sick beyond sickness. But I knew the time was coming, and so I shut my eyes and played my part and thought about the beautiful hills in Porto Vecchio, where my grandmother lived... where I would live for the rest of my life.
"It happened. The courier threw himself upon me.
"I moved us both closer to the coil of rope, sbouting the things my rapist wanted to hear, as I inched my hand toward the middle of the coil.
My moment had come. I had carried a knife--a plain dinner knife I had sharpened on stone-and had shoved it into the coil of rope. I touched the handle and thought again about the beautiful hills in Porto Vecchio.
"And as that scum lay naked on top of me, I raised the knife behind him and plunged it into his back. He screamed and tried to raise himself, but the wound was too deep. I pulled it out and brought it down again, and again, and again... and, oh mother of Christ, again and again! I could not stop killingl" She had said it, and now she cried uncontrollably. Scofield held her, stroking her hair, saying nothing for there was nothing he could say that would ease the pain. Finally, the terrible control she forced upon herself returned.
"It had to be done. You understand that, don't you?" Bray said.
She nodded, "Yes." "He didn't deserve to live, that's clear to you, isn't it?" "Yes.,, "That's the first step, Antonia. You've got to accept it. We're not in a court of law where lawyers can argue philosophies. For us, it's cut and dried. It's a war and you kill because if you don't, someone will kill you." She breathed deeply, her eyes roaming over his face, her hand still in his.
"You are an odd man. You say the right words, but I have the feeling you don't like saying them." I don't. I do not like what I am. I did not choose my life, it fell down upon me. I am in a tunnel deep in the earth and I cannot get out. The right words are a comfort. And most of the time I need them for my sanity.
Bray squeezed her hand. "What happened after?
"After I killed the courier?" "After you killed the animal who raped you-who would have killed you." "Grazle ancora," said Antonia. "I dressed in his clothes, rolled up the trousers, pushing my hair into the cap, and filling out the large jacket with what was left of my dress. I made my way up to the deck. The sky was dark, but there was light on the pier. Dock workers who were walking up and down the gangplank carried boxes like an army of ants. It was simple. I got in line and walked off the ship." "Very good," said Scofield, meaning it.
"It was not difficult. Except when I first put my foot on the ground." "Why? What happened?" "I wanted to scream. I wanted to sbout and laugh and run off the pier yelling to everyone that I was free. Freel The rest was very easy. The courier had been given money; it was in his trouser's pocket. It was more than enough to get me to Genoa, where I bought clothes and a ticket on the plane to Corsica. I was in Bastia by noon the next day." "And from there to Porto Vecchio?" "Yes. Free!" "Not exactly. God knows the prison was different, but you were still a prisoner. Those hills were your cell." Antonia looked away. "I would have been happy there for the rest of my life. Since I was a child I loved the valley and the mountains." "Keep the memories," said Bray. "Dont try to go back." She turned her head toward him. "You said one day I could! Those men must pay for what they didl You, yourself, agreed to thatl" "I said I hoped they would. Maybe they will, but let others do the work, not you. Someone would blow your head off if you stepped foot in those hills." Scofield released her hand and brushed away the strands of dark hair