“You really do like staying here.” She states as fact. As if she’s finally beginning to understand the truth of my comfort. “If you’re comfortable in your surroundings, why aren’t you opening up to Luca? Let him in. Clearly you don’t want to talk to me, and I get it—I’m an acquired taste. But you need to speak to someone. It isn’t healthy to keep the past bottled.”
How does she know I’ve kept it bottled? Unless Luca told her. Vented to her.
“Believe me,” she continues. “You have to let it out before it eats you alive.”
She has no idea.
There’s no way anyone could understand what I’ve been through. Not a shrink. Not even the other women who accompanied me in Luther’s cage. And definitely not this woman.
“Your thoughts are loud.” She gives a brief smirk. “And yes, you’re right. I have no concept of what you must have gone through. But I know about monumental loss. And utter helplessness. Not to mention the cloying anger and suffocating grief that come afterward.” She holds my gaze, never letting go. “Those types of situations change you irrevocably, no matter how much you want to return to the person you once were. So ask Luca for help. Trust him. You never know—the guy might have something smart to say for once.”
I huff out a laugh. If only the humor could stick around for longer than a heartbeat. “I’m sorry for your loss.”
She inclines her head. “And I'm deeply sorry for yours. My point, though, is that you’re going to get through this. Despite everything I endured at a young age, I found my calling. And I swear on the graves of those I love that you will find yours, too. You only need to be willing to work for it.”
“I’m willing to work. I just…” I close my eyes and turn my head away.
I don’t believe anything will change. How can I when I’m free—completely unshackled and unbound—yet I feel more trapped than ever before?
More helpless.
Hopeless.
Broken.
Something is wrong with me, and I’m scared I’ll never be able to fix it.
“Your mind builds on what you feed it,” she murmurs. “And you would have so much pity and fear that it’s only natural to gorge on what you know. But that’s not how you heal. You can’t beat him until you turn the tables and take control.”
Him.
Luther Torian.
The man who continues to torment my thoughts from beyond the grave.
“Your brother will hate me saying this,” she adds, “but trust in Luca. He’s a great guy. And from what I’ve seen and heard, he’s willing to do anything for you.”
“He’s burdened to do everything for me,” I correct, squeezing my eyes tighter. “He doesn’t even want to be here.”
“Really?”
When she doesn’t elaborate, I look at her, finding her brows raised in question.
“Penny, do you really think a guy like that, all strong, determined, protective, and annoyingly stubborn would do anything he didn’t want to do?” Her brows remain hiked. “He wants to be here. He wants to help you. Otherwise he would’ve hightailed it long ago, dumping your ass on my doorstep as he went.”
“He’s honorable. He wouldn’t—”
“Make all the excuses you want. But like I said, if you feed yourself that negative bullshit, it’s going to eat away at you. Use Luca while you’ve got him. What do you have to lose?”
His respect.
His sanctuary.
She gives me a pointed look. “What did I say about the negative shit? Your eyes seriously speak volumes. Maybe that’s something you can work on, too.” She winks at me and pushes from her seat. “Now, before I completely outstay my welcome, I’m going to leave. I’d like to come back tomorrow, though.”
“For another highly motivational pep talk?” I ask. “Or to continue spying for my brother?”
She laughs. “Look at you letting down your guard to be a comedian. But just so you know, I’ll totally be back for both. Now go find Luca and talk to him.”
“About what?”
“Whatever comes to mind.”
She walks for the door, leaving me to deal with the emotional whiplash as she disappears inside. One minute I’m content in my isolation, appreciating the distance Luca has given me—the next I’m thinking about where he is and if I should listen to her advice.
Since returning to the States, I’ve become increasingly indecisive. Almost constantly manic. Calm on the outside, a whole bunch of crazy on the inside.
In captivity, I’d only had the option to fight. Strategy was