that. I think that’s the effect of lockdown. You can feel exhausted at the slightest thing.’
‘I don’t know. I’ve been doing all right. But these updates, the sheer numbers of people dying. It’s a bad business.’ He sighs heavily.
‘I know. I’m afraid I’ve stopped watching it, which feels selfish. But right now it’s a bit like self-preservation; it’s about protecting my mental health. Maybe you should turn it off.’
‘Perhaps you’re right, Jack. I can’t do much about it, that’s for sure.’
‘But it sounds as though you’ve got a lot done in that garden of yours. I’d love to see some pictures if you fancy sending them over. I miss seeing flowers and greenery in this flat, although I do have some tomato seedlings coming up and a couple of cucumbers.’ The cheery little plants gently waving in the breeze catch my eye out on the balcony. The sight of them makes me feel slightly sad as they remind me of Sophia. I miss the sound of her voice.
‘That’s a good start!’ Bertie continues. ‘Of course, I’ll email you some photos across. Garden’s not doing too badly even though I say so myself. The spring has been the most beautiful I’ve seen for years. Just a shame about what’s going on.’
‘True – and I bet you miss the old cricket.’
‘Yes, nothing to watch on the television. Thought I’d do some tidying up today and I found Elsie’s old writing case.’
‘That’s really nice,’ I say hesitantly. I have no idea how it must feel to suddenly discover your wife’s favourite things after she’s died.
‘Yes it was,’ Bertie assures me. ‘Brought back so many memories. I opened it up, just to peek inside. I haven’t looked since she went; I couldn’t face it you know. But as I managed to get the top open, it overbalanced and fell on the hard floor, breaking the hinges totally, papers and half-finished letters scattered everywhere.’
‘Oh, Bertie, that’s terrible. Is it fixable?’
‘I don’t know, Jack. I don’t mind telling you I felt so fed up; I just left it there. For the first time in ages I just sat down and cried whilst holding a letter she had been writing to her niece. The way the writing stopped, it’s as though she has just popped out of the room to grab a cup of tea and the letter’s still waiting there for her to return. Just like me.’
I stay quiet for a minute, sensing that he needs to breathe. ‘That’s tough, Bertie,’ I tell him at last. ‘I’m sorry. You must really miss her, especially at the moment. Did crying make you feel any better?’
‘Not really, but I’ve managed to pick up the writing box. Badly damaged though.’
‘I’ll think on it. There must be something we can do.’
‘It might be easier to fix than me, eh?’ He chuckles.
My heart fills with tenderness for my old friend. ‘You’re doing pretty well really, Bertie. You’re like a rubber ball – there’s no keeping you down.’
‘Not usually, mate, but this has knocked me a bit. This whole lockdown thing is a curve ball.’
‘I’m not surprised. How’s the practising going for “I’m Still Standing”? That should be a good evening; something to take your mind off things.’
‘I’ve nearly learnt all the lyrics. Could be ready to rumble by Wednesday.’
‘Great, we’re all looking forward to it!’
‘Yep I’m not sure how a balcony choir is going to work but hey ho!’
‘The balcony choir, that’s it – that’s what we’ll call ourselves.’
‘Whatever floats your boat,’ he says and with that wry comment, he rings off.
Chapter 21
Sophia
I can’t believe how quickly human beings can get used to something, even something you would never imagine being normal, such as a lockdown. We adjust to it as though this is how it’s always been, like moles or solitary beings who live alongside rather than with their fellow creatures. Not at first – of course there was that strange period of adjustment, that unreal feeling, the silence, the quietness. It was all so surreal, the daily briefing, the feeling of quiet camaraderie; we’re all in this together.
I remember the first evenings whilst Erica was at work were filled with uneasy busyness, phone calls to Jess to discuss the latest developments on Love is Blind. Calls to Mum to check she was okay. In spite of this, every moment seemed to have lasted for hours, yet as time has gone on, after the first few weeks of lockdown, a routine has built up and I feel in some strange